When I look back at all I've been through
I'm grateful I finally see
The wars and horror I've endured
The hell inside of me.
My strength is undeniable
My courage certainly roars
A hell that few may understand
Yet still my spirit soars.

Ugly.
Fat.
Stupid.
Replaying through my mind
Anxious about every bite I eat
Anxious all the time.
Doubting my abilities
Tearing myself down
Logic sadly lacking,
In my thoughts I'd drown

On and off 6 years of therapy
Untangling my tortured mind
Trying to figure out who I am,
Myself I'm trying to find.

Gaining skills to fight my demons.
Needing some medication too.
A rollercoaster of a journey
episodes of feeling blue.

Yet here I am.

Many times I thought I wouldn't make it
Reached for help countless times you see,
I'll never be perfectly "normal"
a mind warrior is who I'll be

When you beat cancer, you are met with joy and praise
People commend you on your strength and bravery
People celebrate your achievement

When you recover from an eating disorder, you are met with silence
Or "thank goodness you aren't crazy anymore" or
"I'm glad you're making better choices" or
Distaste with how your body has changed and is less socially acceptable.

Both deserve praise.
Both deserve congratulations.
Both deserve support.

That's why I fight.
Why I talk.
Why I educate.
Mental health IS health.
And coping with a mental illness or recovering from it is one of the hardest and most isolating battles one will face

Making decisions
Encases my mind in worry and fear
A cloud of unpredictability
I shed many tears
I'm not good at making decisions
My brain starts to scream
One time I decided to lose weight
Wanted to be lean.

Horrible decision
Nearly ended my life
Dove into the world of mental illness
Numerous years of strife.

I just want to be happy
As a child that's all I wanted to be
Don't know how to achieve that
When darkness envelopes me.

I must fight to remember my purpose
Remember why I am here
A warrior of my mind
Advocating far and near

When I'm feeling low,
the familiar obsessions start to flow

Discomfort in every inch of my body
I loathe every aspect of it.

My stomach is huge,
my thighs too wide
I'm fat and disgusting
No matter how hard I try.
I have no control
I'm a lazy slob
I used to be accomplished
Now I'm a blob.

No idea who I am
No idea what to do
All that I ever want
Is truly just to lose
I want to be thinner
I want to lose weight
I want to be fit
No more body hate
There's a magical number
That will make things okay
I'm way above that
Scared to see what I weigh

Others would say
I don't see the real me
My body is "great"
I'm fit and pretty

This used to be
How I thought every day
I'm grateful it's lessened
But some thoughts seem to stay.

These thoughts are just thoughts
I can survive this blow
Look toward better days
When more helpful thoughts flow

When you hug me, the world feels brighter
You inspire me to believe
You do so many things for me
Inspire me to achieve

We go on fun adventures
Discuss world problems too
Grateful for your smile
Grateful I chose you.

I'm tired of overthinking
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of not feeling good enough
Of emptiness and loss

I'm tired of feeling purposeless
"So smart" but no direction
Thinking suffering has meaning
But doubt is my infection

I dream of knowing what I'm meant to be
What I can contribute to this earth
What job will fill me day by day
As I try to own my worth

I think about those suffering
Unable to get aid
I think of all the sadness out there
In mud many people wade

I want to have a positive contribution
Bring joy to others I see
I want others to know they're not alone
Like others did for me

My DNA is prone to sadness
Anxiety's in there too
But I've learned some ways to cope with them
It's okay for me to feel blue

I worked so hard
for what?
It truly seems silly now
Sacrificing my health for amazing grades
Wasn't worth it, I can vow

Turn my wounds into wisdom
Is what I want to do
I have to hold onto embers of hope
Know my intentions are true

It's important to just try things
Let go of past goals,
We're constantly changing and growing
On our quest to feel more whole

With tests there's right and wrong

I loved getting the right answer

But the real world doesn't work that way
Usually no clear answers.

But I still find myself searching
High and low
for the perfect life circumstance
that will make my heart glow

That will leave me content
Restore my joyful self
Instill feelings of hope
Fill my soul with wealth

But it's a faulty search tactic.

Life is never perfect
It can't fully be controlled
Has its ups and downs
As we continue to get old

For a perfectionist like me
This is hard to accept
If I work a bit harder
I'll never be inept

But this means perpetual dissatisfaction.
Only seeing the bad
The world's falling apart
and everyone's mad

I wish I didn't struggle with my mental health
Or think about this so much
I wish I didn't deeply care
About the world's struggles and such

I must believe I can find joy
Contentment and purpose too
To appreciate things for what they are
Hope and positivity to imbue