Suffering.
In silence I suffer.
Attempting to escape the pain.
As my brain becomes more insane.

Relapse.
I crave the number going down on the scale
Crave the feeling of being frail.
Why?

Hatred.
Poisonous hatred as strong as steel
Living in this body is surely surreal.

Broken.
I hate myself thin, I hate myself fat,
Never satisfied, I am sure of that.

Wonder.
I reached for support, now I must wait.
And now that desire is overcome by hate.

Uncertainty.
Of what will happen soon.
Hopefully not spiraling down to my doom.

I was lost
Didn't know how to be found
And then you came
And turned my life a bit around

Messaging you
Brought joy to my day
Light to my eyes
Sadness melted away

Flirty remarks
Danced in my head
My hopes grew
My heart wasn't dead

A couple of dates
Went very well
I had a feeling
I was "under your spell"

Pause.

The messages stop coming
What did I do?
How could this go wrong
This is just so new?

My mind had planned
Well in advance
That you would probably
Give me a chance

Alas I was wrong
I pushed you away
Nobody to blame
but my own foul play

And now your silence
Stabs my gentle heart
This wonderful future
Brutally torn apart

I wish I understood
Your lack of replies
Forever left
With a multitude of whys

Every time I look in the mirror I despise the image in front of me
For all I see
Is an ugly girl staring back at me

Filled with imperfections
Certainly overweight
My mind is filled with copious amounts of self hate

I used to be better at stopping this
At knowing it wasn’t true
But now I truly believe it
And I’m feeling more and more blue

I want to drill holes in my brain.
I don't have purpose, I'm going insane

I sit here without any real task
Despite the fact I constantly ask

What do I do?  I don't know
I'm being paid to do nothing, it brings me sorrow

I can't just sit here twiddling my thumbs
Thinking in circles until my brain numbs

I do not belong here, I feel out of place
I may leave, these weeks erased.

Please give us a second chance
The first time around my head was in a trance
Consumed by an eating disorder
Sad and down
Last summer I was consumed by my frown.

Throughout the year
We were busy
Our heads occupied
My life a tizzy

But now I'm ready
If you are
To give this one more try
I believe we can go far

My heart has been ripped out

Torn from my chest

Trampled and torn

I need some rest.

Does he care about me?

Clearly not.

I was extremely easy to drop.

Yet here I am
Dealing with my rollercoaster of a mind
Trying to focus

"Push through and study"
They all say

But the sadness persists day after day.
Defer my exams?
Maybe.
Okay.

Not all because of him, I assure you that's true
The low mood was there before,
Now I'm just more blue.

Trudging through life as I'm dying inside
All I want to do is hide

Why did he do this?
I don't really know.

---

I need to focus
On just being me
On doing the best I can
The light I will see.