I feel sick to my stomach and I can't close my eyes to sleep
I can't get away from this feeling.
You know, some days even when it's too cold to feel my fingers and I don't want to breathe in the cold air,
I still feel like if I just keep going I'll find it. I'll find the better place and I'll keep going and nothing else will matter because I will be okay. That's all I want, to know that if I keep going it will be okay.
But it's 4 in the morning and there are blood stains on my shirt and it hurts to breathe. My eyes are hell from tears, but I still don't see God. I think and think and overthink of ways to slip away from my mind, find a better place. My silly brain tells me that the easiest way to get to the better place is by slicing lines across my veins. I freeze from the bitterness of the blade and my mind is blank.
I see the crimson lines forming and I see the lines from the day before and The day before that
And I see the faint lines underneath from months before. They're painting stories within me and I've been staring at my art gallery for forever. The red shines bright and I see myself spilling out.
My mind is oozing and I cannot think.
I don't know how to speak.
They say art is escaping, maybe this is the better place.

It hurts to breathe
and oh my god I thought I meant something to you
But I can't sleep at night
There are puddles in my eyes.
You opened up a book full of mysteries and pictures of better days
And I fell in between the pages
Mesmerized and lost in the clear skies and dark shadows
I was amazed and intrigued by this new world you opened up in a matter of a few pages
I never wanted to leave
And I wanted to have a thousand forevers in that paradise
But soon the clear skies turned into gray and it started to rain
The rain turned into hurricanes and it never stopped
I thought I had found my better days
but it turned out that I was just in the eye of the hurricane.
The raging winds and roaring storms left me breathless and torn
Now I don't know how to make myself better
I don't know how to be whole
I don't know what I've become
All I do is play the clear skies and the parts where it felt like I mattered over and over in my mind
When your words and my heart intertwined like our fingers, inseparable by any storm.
I thought your words were the only truth I needed
You held me close and I was so lost in the haze that I didn't realize you put me in the middle of a storm
You crushed my mind, my sanity, and my heart
You ******* crushed me and left me to glue myself together
I can't find all the pieces
They must have gotten lost in those winds
I don't paint clear skies anymore
It hurts to breathe.