early morning i arrive at school as a walking entity of drowsiness and my friends notice how massive my eyebags have gotten
but none of them look deep in my eyes to see if they're withholding some dark secret that my awkward body language can’t clearly tell
so they tell yesterday’s jokes and although we both know it’s getting a little too repetitive, we still laugh because it’s like a broken record of our favourite song on repeat on repeat on repeat on repeat
they think it’s working they think their nasty jokes can relieve me of the weight of countless, sleepless nights and i can’t blame them for not talking instead of joking around because i am my own record player and they can’t fix me because they don’t know me well enough to understand what’s wrong with the controls
friday night veronica and i get high in her backyard for the first time and her parents are upstairs but i’m not worried because i taught myself how to swim without floaties
so i jump in her pool and it feels like plunging deep into the pacific ocean and i let myself sink sink sink because over 70% of the ocean is unexplored and i want to be the first woman to know what life is like without people constantly asking you if you’re okay
i hear the faint echo of my name and in my hazy state of mind i think i’ve found a mermaid so i follow the voice and it leads back to the surface
but it’s just veronica and she hoists me up and i collapse on the ground and everything’s so silent, eerily silent that increasingly loud are you okay interrogations almost sound audible or was i just tuning out the sound of my best friend, my confidante i don’t know
veronica tells me to go home and i tell her no why should i and she says gently “babe, you’re out of control, if you want to stay here, please tell me what’s wrong”
my broken record stops playing before i could form the lyrics in my mouth a mellow symphony of nothing nothing nothing nothing and i could feel her glare finally piercing through my lost lifeless eyes trying to understand why they still seem tired under bright or lights or maybe she was trying to understand why my normal has never looked this bad until tonight
you people have always been illuminated by the brightest of colors that they blinded you from the dark you assume all is well because on some days you see me take a walk in the park when i’m just stumbling over panting from attempting to escape my relentless screams
the song’s about to come to an end but even in the beginning no one noticed that i never danced
spoken word