Giving you my heart is going to **** me.

I swear.
I have never been afraid of losing someone.

Yet here I am.
Worried I'm going to lose you before I even have you.

I know I last heard your voice 16 hours ago.
That I last saw you 24 hours back.
That I last kissed you 68 hours ago.

I know it hasn't been that long.
Well I know that ideally I am supposed to say that.

But I miss you.
And I always want to be around you.
I always want to kiss you.
I always want to hear you laugh.
To watch you smile and to watch your eyes sparkle whenever we spoke.

I want to be in your presence.

**** man.
I miss you

Never thought I would come back to this.
A part two never made sense.
Especially since I hoped that at some point we would be friends.
Didn't really think that things would end so tense.

I told myself that with you ego would ruin me.
That if I couldn't go to you, then there's none I'd confide.
If it wasn't you I could run to. Then I would always hide.

I thought that I would only see colour with you.
That our places, would belong to us only.
The vibrant colours would belong to us only.
Just like the song you wrote for me.
I truly believed that it belonged to us only.

Little did I know.
It was not my ego that would ruin me.
But yours.

You told me that this song was ours.
That it would keep the colours alive.
No matter what.

I know I told you that these places are not mine alone.
Not matter how much colour has drained from my eyes.
They remain beautiful to others.
I know what I said.

I just never thought you would be the one to drain them from everyone.
That you would forget me and change the narrative.

It was your heart on my sleeve.
It was my heart on yours.
It was our place.
Drained of colour to us but so bright to everyone.

But your ego chose to forget me.
Just like your heart decided to let go.

Who would have thought.
That it was not the poet that changed the narrative.
But the artist that really wanted a platinum on their creative.

**** man.
All along.
I thought that this would be our song.
That regardless of the pain we both experienced.
That this. No matter what would be ours.

My poems to you are yours.
But your songs to me are theirs.
Tell me that's fair.

The truth is.
I go by an easy process.
If you don't think about it.
Then its not real.

But here I am.
Inspired to write.
Solely because I am thinking about you.

Fin

I wondered if my love for you died.
Weird, I thought I would have fought for you, I thought I would have cried.
Instead everything felt hollow.
Not having any inspiration to write, its, not loving you. Its a hard pill to swallow.

Who am I if not for you poetry.

Prior to the trending song, I found solace in the lyrics.
At first, I can admit when I heard the song, I only thought
how Giveon's voice was rich, husky yet so gentle and velvety.

Man was I not wrong.
To believe that I could never relate to his words.
It took some time but I realised.
That for some reason, my heart can't evade you.

Now,
Before this sounds like a confession or anything.
Let's not take it that far, I'm not saying I love you the way I lvoed you then.
I'm not saying, I'm forgetting all the wrong you did to me,
I'm not letting the pain caused go.

But I can't say I don't not think about you.
It feels wrong but it feels right.


If my friends ever found out, I'd be dead by now.
And I understand why, but they wouldn't understand our why not.

I remember how, I wanted to see you, How I spoke it to the universe
Hoping that if I see you, I could have an answer to my what if's and
my why not you's. But at the same time, I didn't want to put that out,
I- No we have moved on by now.
We found people that are good for us.
We can't mess this up, I can't mess it up.

I wondered, If everything my heart yearned for was muscle memory.
I always did go out of my way to see you.
Whether you were mine or not.

"I can't say I love you no more, Because my friends gon judge me for sure"
"It took some time but I realised"
"You do me wrong and it feels nice"

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK ON YOU.

Not sure how I feel about letting this out to the masses.
I could just bury this and not have to put myself in this predicament.
The more I hold it in, the more I endanger my mental health.
But, I don't know how to  feel about it.

I haven't really written in a long time,
I don't know if this is the correct way in which I can express myself.
Let alone know how to express.

I find myself in situations whereby I wish that I didn't have to cross a specific point.
I find myself heavily tired of being emotionally and mentally drained by my life just so I can learn and be stronger.
I find the process of life heavily tiring.

I'm probably coming off as suicidal.
I apologise to anyone that I trigger
It's just if  I don't voice it out, I might have to pull.
And I don't know if I am ready for that.
To be wholly lost and fully gone.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of pressure.
I've been carrying the weight of everything and everyone I treasure.
So much so, I don't properly know where I am headed.
Maybe towards the lights?
Because being strong shouldn't be something I have to be all the time.
I shouldn't be strong.
I can't handle it.

There's no proper flow to this, I wish there was but like my life everything is everywhere and messy and unorganized.
**** man, my twenties have me mortified.

I just wish.
I don't know.

But I just wish that I didn't have to learn life like this.

It's sure as hell winning because I can't anymore.
Why is everything so much.