today my handwriting looks
as if it belongs in a gruesome ******
scene
i sorta feel like i belong
there too
the ice in my coffee is melting and im
considering all the ways in which love
can fade.
what if we didn’t try to move on?

AND ITS ALL OVER THE BLASTED ****** INTERNET
THAT IM IN LOVE WITH YOU,
AND YOU STILL ACCUSE ME
OF WANTING HIM

"do you believe you both are meant to be?"
she turned from the drivers seat,
looking over at me.
speechless.
that's all i had.
nothing.
were we? are we?
this isn't up to me
fate brought us here, 3 years strong
you could've left
i could've left
is this ironic, or symbolic?

i know where i went wrong

i know recovery isn't a straight line
and i'd be lying if i said i wasn’t scared
when i look at my reflection.
life doesn’t get easier.
the desperate tone of your voice
explained that.

you thought
he took your place
reality says
he was my distraction
from the toxic things in my life
my bad habits
you are my bad habit
you’re the poison in my veins
that I still cannot drain

you were fundamentally
burnt out.
you were a ******* human,
not a machine.
i didn’t blame you.
as humans
we rot from the inside out.
the marrow of our bones,
blackens,
and our hearts freeze over.
i didn’t blame you.
you were breathing at a pace
more rapid than the ticking of the clock
on a sunday night.
in between dry-heaves you told me
“i’ll be okay, i’ll be okay,
i’ll, be okay.”
i wanted to believe you, but
i didn’t blame you.
i think the sound of your voice
on a tuesday afternoon
is conclusively what kept me going.

your skin was the bark
of my favorite willow tree
I’ve never lived in the same house for
three years but
your smell brought me home.
time and time again.
I whispered “you my friend,
are irreplaceable.”
don’t let the tires of gas-guzzling
trucks run over your fragile leaves but
let people carve their names into you.
you’ll still be taller than them.
the moss that grows along the rivets
in your veins
let it grow
it adds to your existence, I’d say
I loved you but
I still do

every time i glance
out of my 4th story bedroom window
i see you
in the cigarette burn
that stains my window screen
tainted with the distant memories
of you

You were never good at writing
The letters you gave me
Were ****
Because you were ****
You still are
And i don’t believe
You ever meant
A **** word you wrote
on any of those crinkled papers
titled 'love letter.'
In March
You told me you loved me
That i was different
Than anything before.
Special
You carved my name
Into your bed frame
You unknowingly carved
Yourself
Into me
In June
You kissed another girl
I found out two weeks later
I swear i heard my heart shatter
In August
We thought we would last
Forever
Invincible
You wrote our initials
Into a huge heart
On my desk.
By October
Things were different
We could both agree
I had changed.
November came
I liked another boy
You thought you knew
But you didn’t.
The day I turned 15
he kissed me
not my fault
(not what you thought)
2 days after i turned 15
I found out you liked
Another girl
I thought i had known
And now i did
And now i was done
Dealing chances
To a boy
That only spoke pretty things
And had ****** handwriting

you
youre the ink on my paper
that I cannot erase
no matter how hard I try
no matter how terrible you are
you
youre the scratch on my favorite record
that ****** me off
makes me cringe
everytime I’m ******* reminded
you
youre the plumber
I didn’t invite
who tried to fix the leaky faucet
but ended up flooding my home
you
youre the crooked frame
that hangs from my stained wall
youre the flannel I wear five times a week
the song I just cannot skip
the memory stitched in the scar
the wound never stitched

the addiction I couldn’t break
the band-aid I couldn’t rip off
the bad habit I couldn’t quit
the picture I could never
delete

I want to stain your heart
The way you stained me
But instead of cruel words,
I want the reminisce of me
To make you ache.  
I want to **** you with kindness
That isn’t so kind
5 years from now
When you hear my name
If you hear my name
I want your insides to crumble
Especially your blackened lungs
All that black
All from that terrible, cigarette addiction
That I sparked in you
(I hope you don’t quit)