if i had known what a woman
tasted like earlier in my life
maybe i wouldn’t have
encountered so many **** bitter men

it has been a year since you touched me
and within those blurry days left in between,
I have learned myself
right and left, up and down
and though it was hard,
the black and blue parts of me have faded
to the pink flesh native to me

the days pass quickly
and I learned that healing is possible
but I can admit,
my scar tissue still burns with the
mere thought of you
any breath I take can easily become shattered
my inhale coming calm
my exhales leaving ragged, panicked
I am still under your advantage

three hundred miles away
from you,
from that dark night in the backseat of your car
and still, there is not one moment where I forget
not a night that doesn’t cease to scare me,
and I hold my arms close to my chest while I walk
hoping that enough compression will
prevent the blistering of my insides  

you haven’t left me yet.
I remain haunted,
and you are worse than any ghost
more fearsome than any demon
but please, upon reading this

I AM STRONGER THAN THE HORRORS YOU LEFT ON MY BODY AND MIND.

I wish I could forget
your hot breath on the back of my neck
my hair tangled in your fingers
the pain of it all
as I walked away that night
in the dark, slipping under the fence
back up the stairs and into my bedroom
tears on the pillowcase

I wish you could help me forget
I felt warm in your arms
my soul laughed for the first time
since it had been taken by strong hands
but I can’t always have what feels good
sometimes all that’s left is the suffering
and this weight that presses me down

rooms full of people feel empty
on the inside, I’m empty
I look in the mirror and see
this inhuman horror looking back at me
blank eyes, he took me
he stole everything from me
I’m a walking body but I cannot feel
I **** the life from the loved ones around me

I should not rely so heavily
on others to bring me back up
I am tied to the brick floor
costly to carry me back home
under the fence
up the stairs, my bedroom
bruises on my chest
faded color in my eyes
let me forget, I can’t see

I can’t breathe, I can’t think.

how are you
I’m good
I’m fine

how are you
I’m numb
I stare up at the ceiling sometimes
to think about nothing

how are you
if I told you
you wouldn’t believe me
so I say nothing

you made me promise
to tell you
when things felt upside down
but they don’t.
I just feel empty

some days I don't even realize
how badly I’m bleeding
until I wake in a pool of my own
thoughts
sometime’s that’s worse than the blood.

I prefer wounded skin over a wounded mind
these thoughts are more than teenage angst
there is nothing angsty about it
there is nothing teen about it
it’s simply the rotting of my mind
cellular decomposition of my optimism

how are you
my every breath is weighted
most days there’s no escape
but no, I’m fine

but no, I’m not fine
cut me from these ropes that tie me down
loosen the chains around my ankles
give me a moment of peace in this misery
give me a moment of feeling through the numb

some days I feel I'm too full of emotions for
the disconnect we share
physical bluntness leaves me empty
and often intrigues yearning for more
in the middle of the night,
pillow held tightly to my chest
I long for the romance that is being loved

some days it all comes back and hits me
full force, I am not strong enough to stand against it
I can’t close my eyes without feeling your hand
on the back of my head, forcing me
down down down
I often wish that phrase was only a metaphor
maybe that’s the source of my disconnect

some days I feel passion so deep
others I wake up cold and roll over
to pull the covers back over my head
the pain of it varies day to day
no day is the same, the anger fluctuates
I wonder if I’ll ever recover
until then,

I don’t know.

weight in my head
weight in my chest
i am on all fours

i am dying but not externally
my brain sends chemical imbalances
like daily mail

i shouldn’t be alive

my body is a mistake
my thoughts are bound
to send me to an early grave
the air always feels so thick

suffering is invisible
i look in the mirror,
see it in the ghostly reflection
of my eyes

I am only half a soul

don’t be afraid
of the dark
but that is all that is inside of me
unknown, cold and unbearable
most days i wonder how i’m loved

monsters are only tamed, not encouraged
it’s a shame that i groom myself down
to not show the impurities that crack me open
and leak out onto the floor

look at my shaking hands, am I alive?
is this a dream?

please wake me, please cure me

I can only swallow so many pills
until I begin to choke

my life can no longer be dictated around
eight hundred milligrams of motrin
one tablet of carbamazepine
a few muscle relaxers
who’s really counting anymore?

the pain can only get so much worse
before I drop and never get up

this fire in my cheeks, teeth, temples
MRI scan comes up blank
just my blank brain in my tormented body
unexplained agony
unexplained kicking and screaming into the night

friends complain about period cramps
i would trade my pain for ten years of those

can’t eat, tired all the time
this is not depression I suffer from
but side effects from various medications
that enter my body in periods of six
and haunt my bedside table
as if watching me as I sleep

I want to feel better
I want to feel better
I want to feel better.