Things are told sometimes in silence,
They are told sometimes through eyes.
When I stand I search for balance,
Eyes are dry from when one cries.

Words are useless, just like phrases,
Just like any complex speech.
Follow up from morning races,
One left speechless, let's not preach.

Silence, simply song for deaf,
Crazy melody for soul.
He was sane and now he left,
He was only playing role.

Silence will one day collapse..
Rooms... are quite from before....
Mouth sealed with sticky wax.
Silence, thing, that I adore.

Invisble choke hold on my throat
Churning stomach acids
Seeping up my esophagus
Unwelcomed irrational fear
Breaking down the door
The door to my panic reflex
Sweaty palms
Lungs feeling like hardened clay
Heart beating hard beneath
A shakey rib cage
Voices float around me
But the words are drowned out
Like sinking under water
Focus out of sight
Out of mind
I am against the ceiling now
Only to crashland
Back into existence
In a time laspe of mere minutes

I sometimes
No I always
Wonder if people
Would care about me more
If I was just another dead girl
It's least likely for nobody cares anyway
So they could say go **** yourself and not care if you do

I sometimes
No I always
Wonder if people
Would see me for who I was
No just another nobody or a wannabe
They wouldn't see me for the intelligent and pretty and kind girl I am
It's basically they are ignoring the fact you are actually human as well.

I sometimes
No I always
Wonder if people
Would actually miss me
Out of the love and pain of their heart
Not just cause I helped them with homework or a problem

I however
Never seem
To realize
That no one would care
Except my parents and my five friends

I fail
To realize
That nobody except my family and five friends
Will see me for the me I truly was

I fail
To realize
That nobody but my family and five friends
Will truthfully miss me

I fail to realize
Because I shield reality
So it don't break me
If I see reality I shed tears constantly
If I see reality I see how terrible this world is
And all I can wonder is
If I died
Who would care
If I died
Who would see me for who I actually am
If I died
Who would miss me
If I died
Why was I given suicidal thoughts to begin with
Why was I bullied so much
Why was I hurt so much
Why did everyone break me
Why did I have to cry at everything
Why couldn't I have been tougher
Why couldn't I have fought longer
Why didn't I keep the ones that loved me close
Why did I push my loved ones away
Why did I make so many mistakes
Why did I turn away from God so much
Why did I doubt God
Why did I lose my best friends
Why did I gain friends worth more that I deserve
Why am I treated so nicely when I am a bad person
Why
Why
Why do I wish I were dead?
I have life so good
So why do I want to end it so badly
No matter how much I oust the thoughts away
Suicide
Anxiety
Depression
Low self esteem
No confidence

They come back stronger than I can handle anymore
So I want to just end it all
The headaches
The heartaches
They all come back

When asked if I am okay
All I can reply is
I'm fine
It's all I can do

But the only question
I want people to ask is

Why?

A ring of natural perfume is adorned on you neck
like the sweet dew of April mornings.

Chains of daisies and dandelions,
which hold a thousand wishes each,
connects like bonds created by
you and me.

Let my hair fall
and inhale comforting bliss
while exhaling bothersome regrets.

Watch the sun kiss the earth goodnight
as it lets the sky open
to glittering stars.

None are capable of outshining the twinkle in your eye
or the shine of those soft lips.

None can compare to you,
an April diamond,
flawless and perfect to many

Smooth edges and clear soul,
a birthstone destines to resonate
within the heart, soul, and mind.

I remember my moms cups of coffee as a child.
A hazelnut aroma rising out of her travel mug --
a gift she got as an underpaid teacher who had to get her boost on-the-go
--filling the car like steam from a hot shower fills a bathroom.
I remember that smell ironically always headed to school.

I remember the first time I was offered a sip of coffee.
Not nearly as sweet as it smelled.
Bitter liquid that terminated taste buds like water extinguishes flame as it billowed across the tongue and  down the hatch.
I remember that taste vowing never to have to again.

I remember when my sister started working at a "coffee shop".
The one that competes with itself across street-ways,
and still has lines filled with downward looking drones despite being in Paris.
I wouldn't even eat the pastries she brought home
knowing the aroma entwined around them long enough for osmosis.

And sitting now, in the office of my retail store at 23,
Staring into my travel mug,
which looks like an above ground pool version of the black lagoon,
These are the memories that come to mind
as caffeine blocks adenosine from their receptors in my brain.

The plump moon lights up my room.

My mind is now a flat graph
no desire no lust no dream

the cold winds from the rumbling sea
make no dent on me
I look at my palms
and see the cracked floor
gnarled roots of mangrove on the wall
blend seamlessly with all I have
like once I had her in this room
love together
taking wingless flight to the moon
but now I more like sitting here
prospecting no words to rhyme
not angered at the blankness
for in this vacuous moonlight
I wait without a hope of gain
without a despair of loss
unconstrained for time
contoured by fireflies
alone
recounting a new beginning
from the end.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

To

rub your back
And
kiss your fingers.

To

Brush your hair
And
Make your dinner.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

to
hear your thoughts
And
Clear your mind.

To
Hold your hand
And
Wipe your tears.

You need not worry, my dear;
For I am here

To
Watch you fight your battles
And
Lift your spirits.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.