to the ocean during low tide
so i can race with Mother Nature
gritty, soft, exfoliating sand beneath my calloused feet
i'm going to win this one
mother's sea spray has nothing on me
i'm going to dance out here for a while
my feet know the way back
i feel at home
in the water
-z.z

hearing sound for the first time after not knowing it for years
because i'm selfish
fooled myself into thinking
i didn't need to hear
to know what you are saying
i can get by with reading your lips
i can even hear
what you aren't saying

there are 365 days in a year
1,095 days in three
60 seconds in a minute
525,600 minutes in a year
26,280 hours in three

i heard you
maybe
once or
twice

i thought
"middle school is just a bunch of drama it's okay if i tune out for a while"
i thought
"high school is just a waste of time"
i don't need to hear the melodramatics and fights

when i went in for my yearly hearing check-ups with the audiologist
she asked me if i'd been wearing my hearing aides
i said no
rolled my eyes
and tuned out her lecture on losing the ability to speak

it has been three years
four if i'm being truthful
i'm relearning language in a way i've never known language
silence is so ******* loud
i can hear the plips and plinks of water droplets bouncing off of porcelain
in the bathroom, two rooms away

sound is vibrating in front of me like
i'm watching a movie of sound again
maybe i'll be able to turn off the closed captions
or maybe i'll keep them
people are hard to understand sometimes
even with dialogue running along the bottom of the screen

i like what i'm hearing but just in case there's ever a time
when words are a bit too sharp and on the verge of hurting me
i'll know to turn the volume down instead of taking
my ears
out.
-
-z.z

the other day an online friend told me I was one of the most positive people they knew
how amazing it is that i can speak to someone's needs when they didn't realise they needed it the most
that's my internet smile speaking
telling people they can do it and oozing sunshine and rainbows out of pores I didn't even know existed
when in reality all I want scratch that need is for someone to tell me my struggles are not all in my head.
if you could see my face you'd see my Internet smile and eyes on the verge of flooding.

There is so much I want to tell you. How not fine and super awesome I've been. How most nights I cry into my pillow, wondering what it would be like to just stop living
I want to ask you how I got here, as if you could tell me the exact coordinates of the place I fell from the face of the earth but I know
you are asking yourself the exact same question
how are we surviving in a world that's constantly trying to bring us down

why is it that every time I see something good
my memory erases it faster than I can blink its like
I am hardwired to not feel happy
I want to tell you about the panic I felt when I misplaced my blade
I want to tell you how when I found a new one i could breathe again even though I told you I'd stop
I'm not using them but I still want to tell you about the urges
the tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers I get when I don't
how I forget how to breathe the moment I need oxygen the most how my lungs feel like fire in a drought-stricken desert this is what dying must feel like
what does laughter sound like?

some days I wake up feeling numb from my head to toe it hurts so much
when i can't remember why i'm still here i think about how you reacted when i told you i couldn't keep on going
somehow i find courage in the cracks of your voice you wanted me here
and so i'll stay
i'll hang on the best i can though my hands are sweaty and my fingers might slip and some days my arms feel like brittle sticks about to snap in two
i'm not going to let go yet

i want to tell you that in the dark hours of the night right before the clock strikes 12 i see you everywhere and i'm so sorry i am so sorry for breaking Us
i want to tell you how much i miss you
ask if you feel the same
i wish things were the way the used to be i'll tell you
but I won't tell you any of this
I've got an internet smile
and an "I'm fine" when you ask for it
whether they are lies or the truth, I hope to guarantee you will never
find
out

when it comes right down to it
peace speaks a language the deaf can hear
the blind can feel
and compels you, me, all of us
to feel something

we are not broken

i'm reaching my hand out to the pages on my computer screen
touching the profile pictures and updates
emma has marked herself safe during the paris attacks
i watched the colours of the paris flag flood my screen
like a ripple across the vast waters

we are one
who knows what the future holds for tomorrow
for today
we will be strong in unity

don't tell her she'll be okay.

new year's eve
trying to forget
trying to erase
music was blaring
or maybe it was the laughter
yes, this year will be different
the clock stroke 12
flakes began to fall
in a land where snow is rare
some made snowballs
others watched while i
stood in the middle of the road
waiting for a new
beginning