the first time i met you, i had a beer in my hand
i pretended like a beer was enough to hush the voices in my head
i sat down next to you
you asked me if i wanted anything stronger, so i made my own
i didn't know your name
you were singing, you were laughing, you were smiling at me
you told me your name
i told someone i was good at pingpong
you told me you wanted to play me
i sat there hoping that it'd be tonight
you were smiling at me
i couldn't stop looking at you
my phone kept buzzing, the guy i thought i loved thought he loved me
you asked me to follow you downstairs
i couldn't play ping pong for ****
you kept smiling, i kept shaking
i kept drinking
i kept drinking
i kept pretending like you didn't interest me
i don't remember the rest of the night
all i could do was hope
hope for another night with you
i kept drinking
you kept smiling

she'll never know you like i know you

When you hold me do you feel like you have the whole world in your hands?

11/27


look what you've done to me
i'm tied down
all my life
i've been on my own
but i'm yours now
and there's no other place i'd rather go
no other place that would compare
to the way you make me feel
baby, look
you've got me in the palm of your hands
i can tell this love is real
look what you've done
you smile and it changes my entire world
i'm yours
and you better be mine

I love you so much that it hurts and when I hear windchimes I feel your fingers running down my spine. the ocean isn't as pretty as your eyes and I love the sound of your voice, it's as calming as the waves. you make me feel safe and your two eyes and your heartbeat and your two arms are my home. I wouldn't want to spend my Tuesday nights anywhere but in the car listening to music and talking about our future. God, you make me feel like a little kid again. the sunset tonight doesn't even come close to how beautiful you make me feel and I love you so much that it hurts

first kisses don't mean anything
old photographs of family get togethers don't mean anything
your first dog
doesn't mean anything
the smell of your favorite flower
doesn't mean anything
the first home run you made in a baseball game
doesn't mean anything

because all of you go to hell

and all hell is,
is rewinding those family videos,
reblowing out your candles on your 6th birthday cake,
getting your heart broken by that one you thought would never break your heart
all hell is,
is a landfill
of those times you thought you'd live forever

there's this necklace I wear layered under countless other pendants that hold memory and feeling
it's supposed to be the symbol "the hand of God"
it's supposed to protect me from evil and give me strength
it used to give women strength and power to be healthy and have fertility
why doesn't it help me find the strength to get out of bed in the morning?
what evil eye has it protected me from?
the history says that the sun and moon are eyes of God, that God is everywhere with us
we can never leave the consciousness of God
it's been traced back to early Mesopotamia but maybe I'm just too ****** up to actually receive some sort of help
why do I even bother?

i wish your eyes were as transparent as the alcohol you used to drown yourself in
maybe then i could know what your thinking
instead, all i see is the sky
i wonder what you see when you look into my eyes

Do you ever feel like the words have just been taken right from your mouth
And you're left with a dry,
Empty feeling
Almost numb

Similar to that cold October day when you
Left me

It's an awful thing to feel

Because I can't seem to find the right words to describe it

Nothing measures up to it

you lit a fire inside my eyes
it's only been four months but i feel like i've known you forever
you save me
it's only been four months but you're already my hero
you kiss me
it's been four months and i haven't stopped wanting your kiss
you can't put out the fire
even if you tried, i wouldn't let you
you lit a fire inside of me and i love you so much it burns

swallowing my pride like you choke back that cheap liquor
holding back tears like the way you shove me into the wall and act as though I feel the way you do
believing those words like the things you muttered under your breath

put your oxygen mask on
before you assist others

you cut into my heart as if the blood doesn't even bother you
you tear me down as if you can't hear my cries of help

Can't help but pray for a lifetime with you
God, I love you so much
Oh god, the sound of your heartbeat makes me feel safe

although it feels as though the pieces of your life
are shattered right now,
you can put them back together,
reassemble all of the sharp edges,
piece by piece
although it may not look the same,
you can say you did it
you put yourself back together

2:24 am

do you think it meant nothing
when your fingertips
danced across my skin?

i still have that feeling
in the pit of my stomach

and i have a galaxy growing in my mind
of all the kisses you planted into my body
on my collarbones
on my cheek
on my nose
on my fingertips
on my heart

pimples and mint life savers
flirting over text and pink lipgloss
crying in class and acting like you hate the world
traveling in groups, friendships you think will last a lifetime and homework you never do
you never thought you'd have to grow up, did you?
everything is temporary
lockers and passing notes
doing everything you can so the cute boy your mother likes will daydream about you, too
everyone in your first hour literature class won't remember your name in 15 years when we all have kids and we marry someone because you simply have no reason not to
colorful backpacks and varsity sports
thinking high school would be the best four years of your life
why would someone lie to you?
gossip and holding hands
you never realized the guy across the hall would break your heart and rip your new blouse, did you?

bruised knees and bandaids
your mom is no longer your best friend, she'll scream words that burn your ears
she won't read you fairy tales before you fall asleep at night
CD's and ballet
school buses, new folders and the boy next door named Tyler
he'll want you for your body, he'll spread rumors throughout the school
you'll only want it to go away
girls you share laughter with and teachers you idolize
everything becomes different
the only thing you'll share with those girls is a pack of cigarettes and the stories you hear in the hallway
gummy bears and juice boxes have turned into prescription medicine and shots of *****
just wishing for one good day
your special blankie and your favorite hair bow
hidden in a closet behind the new skirt your dad doesn't like you wearing
disney movies, popcorn made on the stove and your whole family smooshed onto one couch on a friday night
those friday nights turn into another day of choking back cheap alcohol and ignoring your grandmother's emails

everybody will wait up to hear you speak his name
you will know how to identify drugs but not how to start a conversation with your aunt at thanksgiving
you will count the hours of sleep you get
you will not trust anyone
you won't realize the beauty of a secret
everybody will want to know how good it felt to hear you scream
you won't know what a happy ending is
you will look at the bruises on your body and make constellations
you will choke your meds down with *****
you won't recognize yourself

i never knew that i'd one day be hooked on your eyes. the feeling i get leaves me intoxicated and breathless. god, i don't know how someone could be so beautiful. i'd do anything to feel this pain for my entire life. i love you so ******* much it hurts me. it hurts me to know that i lay in the palm of your hand, pondering whether or not you love me back.
you say you do and i think i believe you when you say it but there is always that fear. the fear of not being enough. i want to be enough and more. i want you to love me like i love you. these thoughts haven't stopped since july 4th when i saw you for the first time.
your ******* eyes, i could drown in them.

i can't catch my breath when i'm away from you and my mind keeps going back to your lips, i can't think straight. i wonder if you can't sleep at night and i wonder what it's like to be next to you every moment of the day. maybe i'm nervous about leaving for school in a few months and i know i get choked up but i can't stop thinking about the "stay" and the "please don't leave me" but what's going to happen when i'm hours away? i'm terrified of goodbyes. the first time i saw you i knew i'd love you forever and i knew it'd hurt. i knew you'd wait for me to let you know i arrived home safely and i knew you'd care. i get hung up on the moments you trace my knee cap and the moments when you leave traces of kisses around my neck. sometimes i wonder why you're looking at me and my hair on the back of my neck stands up when you do. your voice against my hair makes me feel safe and i can't stand knowing i have to leave this place soon. but here i am back to wondering why the ******* fell for me in the first place. the hair on the back of my neck is still standing and a trail of goosebumps goes down my spine.

my whole world
my whole life
revolves around a 6'4
brown haired
blue eyed
beautiful boy

and he has the power to destroy
my whole world
my whole life

he has my whole world
and my whole life
in the palm of his hands

but his hands are so soft
and give me such security

my colorful mind has turned into black and whites, there's nothing to keep me going. won't it please stop? i want you to love me 'til i'm me again. my head barely leaves my pillow and my hands never stop shaking. my throat is so tight from holding back screams and words that were made for you but they got lost in the graveyard of my mouth.

it's not fair.
i feel your heart beating and it's closing off the blood flow to my brain.
i want to be able to fix your problems and know how you feel and tell you you're beautiful.
but i can't. you don't let me.

the world is beautiful but i'm ready to die. i found you but why haven't i found myself? am i supposed to be happy?

"flightless bird"

living with the "your daughter is severely depressed"
means that you need medicine to function
it's not just a cry for attention
it means you have to search and search for a reason to get out of bed in the morning
you think its over, but then it comes back next winter
you think you're fine, something will hit you, and you can't leave bed for days
im sorry i can't help it, mom

what makes my heart skip a beat:
your eyes
the way you say my name
when you run your hands through your hair
your cute giggle when i tickle you
the way you trace my knuckles when we hold hands
how you say "i'm sorry"

you hate tattoos and that should make sense to me because you're afraid of commitment

i've never felt this helpless in my life
what does one do when people around you are dying of cancer
each cell of theirs ******* poison to their body
and all you can do is watch them die
slowly and painfully

i still listen to the music we listened to in your car on one of our road trips
and all of my friends, they know
they know i haven't been able to handle it
i can't handle the ******* heartbreak i feel everyday
yea, it'll get better over time
but
it's been a ******* year why am i not ok
why can i still not breath when i hear your name
why do i sit there with a blank stare when i have flashbacks of my hair blowing in the wind and your left hand on the steering wheel and your right hand on my knee
tracing infinity signs into my skin
leaving a feeling i'll never be able to ******* forget

it's october 30th
3 months and 26 days since the first day i really saw you
heart broken, i couldn't get you out of my head
3 months and 18 days since the night i fell in love with you
you, twirling me around on the dance floor
you, just a stranger
you, handsome
you, god why hadn't i met you earlier?
me, a nervous bright-eyed girl
you, a confident boy
me, just a stranger
i fell in love with you
i fell in love with the way you said my name
i fell in love with your gentle hands on my hip as we danced
i fell in love with each conversation we had
i fell in love with you
i fall in love with you, again, each and every single day
3 months and 26 days ago, the most beautiful person walked into my life
i'm not much of a prayer, but i thank god for you every night
i thank god for 3 months and 26 days ago
i fell in love with you
i am in love with you

You were almost as difficult to catch as a bright yellow leaf coming down through a beacon of sunlight.
A stranger.

the light in your eyes brings me home every night and i can’t stop following it because it’s the only light i know. it guides me through each tunnel and hallway. it fills a lantern i grasp as i travel through each day, facing a darker darkness. each day i put your light in a jar or a lantern or in my bag and i carry it with me through each and every journey. the light in your eyes is what i see when i wake up and i hope it’s there everyday. i need a reason to keep waking up. every time i look into your eyes i hear wind chimes and i see the light like the sun rising every morning. and your eyes can’t just be described as a color. they aren't just blue. they are wind chimes and they are lanterns. they are stars and they are illuminating. they are candles burning. the lantern cant dim. the candle cant burn out. it cant leave me in the dark. what will i have to guide me through the darkness? what will i have to brighten my days?

the dark nail polish doesn't begin to convey the sadness I feel
three people I know in the past few days
are gone

in a blink
in a flash

they are gone

but I guess I will be too someday.
tomorrow? next week? next month?

My anxious eyes regret looking into your eyes
that feel like
a warm towel after getting out of the shower.

you hold my hand as if it's made of glass and you're terrified to shatter me. i've never been so fragile to someone. how did i get so lucky? i can't look at you without my heart driving full speed on the express way. i wish you could hear the way i think about you because i'm sorry i never know what to say and when to say it. but it's okay because someday i'll have collected all of these thoughts and i will put them down on paper. i'll read that paper to you with shaky hands and tears in my eyes and afterwards i'll say
"i do." and think to myself, how did i get so lucky?
i just hope you will, too. and, you know, maybe you won't, but at least i had the privilege of spending my time with the most beautiful blue eyes in the entire world.

every face i see, they can't see through me
they can't see the mask
the smiling and the laughing just covers everything up
everyday i put on a layer
i put on my nice clothes
i try to put on my smile
i try to make myself fit in
each person that talks to me, the mask is still
invisible
the mask
i paint it every day
i put it in
i put on the clothes i put on the attitude

but, when will they see the real me?

i thought the braces would have stopped those people from talking
i thought starving myself would have made me feel good
i thought ripping open my veins would take away all of the pain
i thought boyfriends were supposed to compliment you
i thought my parents would be proud of me

maybe one day when my hair falls perfectly and my thighs don't touch
i won't think as much

missing his kiss is like calling for your dog even though it ran away

missing his touch is like trying to put back together a mirror
that shattered against the floor

missing his laugh is like attempting to put the blood back into your scraped knee

missing him is like asking your dead grandmother to make it to your birthday party

I'm drinking by myself
I don't know if i'm your girlfriend or not
you don't know I love you
holding the neck of the bottle
as tight as I clench your hand
I'm drinking by myself
I wish you were here

i've never been a first choice
i've always been an object
i've never loved like this
i've never been loved like this

I am no longer afraid to die.

Day 81927181 of my heart being broken and I still wonder if your chest ever aches at the sound of my name the same way mine does whenever I hear yours.

There's a lump in my throat and an ache in my chest.

the voices in my head, they won't stop yelling
they won't stop telling me to give up
the migraine in my head is pounding from their voices
i wish i could **** the migraine in my head but i don't know how
the vicodin makes the pain go away but what about the voices

the earth crafted you so precisely. your skin is soft, cloudy, comforting. you are not just a road you are the whole city for a weekend getaway. you are home. you are not a hotel room. you are the light, not just a match. you are the entire garden. not a simple petal. you are the music in my ears. you are not just a song on the radio. it's terrifying to think that i am hypnotized with not just a small part of you, but all of your existence.