In every bottle
I swallow
Theres pain
Like a **** hurricane
In every cigarette
Theres regret
Every exhale
I feel pale
In every book i read
I feel like i should plead
On my knees
For the hurting to cease
In every look in the mirror
Theres terror
In every falling tear
Theres unimaginable fear
Im giving up
Because I've had enough.

They told me your never supposed to see your mother cry.
But what the forgot to mention is that seeing your mother cry isn't the end.

Its when you see your own mother telling her kids that she hates her life and wishes she'd just die.

Its when you see your own mother drinking that last drop of ***** as if its the only thing keeping her alive.

Its when you see your own mother taking all those pills shes subscribed because the doctors think it will fix her.

Its when you see your own mother talking to herself saying, "its time."

Its when you see your own mother laying on the floor passed out, with a still lit cigarette in the ash tray and beer cans spread around her.

Its when you see your own mother look at herself in the mirror and drop down to the floor telling herself that the person in the mirror isn't her.

Seeing your mother cry isn't the end, its seeing the aftermath of the tears, seeing all the pain in her hollow eyes eat her alive.

A love story isn't worth just a thousand words, or a single sentence. Its worth millions of memories and untold secrets.

A love story isn't just a story with a beginning and end. Its every sentence and word in between.

A love story isn't the first hello and the final goodbye. Its the time spent together and the moments that felt like they lasted forever.

A love story is the complicated moments, the ones that hit you and took your breath away. Its the ones that knocked you to your knees waiting for another word.

Thats all we can ever wish for in this world, just another word.

You showed up into my life when everyone had left.
My boyfriend just walked out on me and i was alone.
I needed a new home, someplace to go.
You walked through my door
Smiling with wide eyes and open arms.
I didnt realize your feelings towards me till that one night i fell down and got hurt,
You carried me in your arms,
Up the stairs
And through the hall
You stayed with me all night
To make sure i was alright.
I started to feel something,
Just one butterfly.
Until that night ontop of the water tower
All our friends climbing so high we could touch the stars with our finger tips,
Sitting side by side,
Smoking cigarettes
I could feel your hand inch closer to mine,
Till your warmth spread through out me and thats when i knew you'd break my heart.
After that night we filled our days with something close to love but not quite.
You always got drunk with our friends, and from the corner of the room where i stood, i watched you laughing so hard you'd cry,
I could see your smile spread from eye to eye.
You made the whole room feel warm,
Your brown eyes ******* me into your arms
And when our lips met, i felt everything.
Every butterfly,
Every nerve in my body,
Every twitch of muscle,
Every part of me was on fire,
And just a couple days later you became my worst nightmare,
I saw the darkest part of you
And i never was able to look at you again.
You changed me in ways that i didnt even know were possible.
You gave me a living hell,
And im broken
Unable for my wounds to ever be mended again.
I never thought i loved you, until i started writing this down.
And now i realize,
It was real.

In a tall field of yellow-green grass
Picking flowers from the roots
Putting them behind your ear,
And through your hair
Feeling the wind flow through our intertwined fingers,
The sun filling your dark brown eyes with golden specks
The dandelions dancing in the breeze
Your steady arms wrapped around my shivering body,
Promising me a safe harbor,
That maybe i am not forever alone
The sky forming clouds of gray
The blue slowly begins to fade,
A raindrop falls, and rolls down your cheek
Your smile spreads from eye to eye
Filling me with happiness and feeling alive
The sun is gone,
And your eyes are darker
Making me feel warmer
And as the rain continues to fall
I stand with you, hand in hand
Heart and soul
Poured out onto the wet field of yellow-green grass,
I realize now in this moment that i love you,
And i am prepared to have my life shattered into pieces when you leave,
But i will remember this memory.
Hand in hand,
In the yellow-green grass.

Life
     Is
       All
          But
    A
              Lie

Death
          Is­
           Certain,
Inevitable
                      To happen

Living
          Is
            *Dying

We
    Are
        Born
              Only
To
                     ­ Die
                         Maybe
                                 Today,
Maybe
         *Tomorrow

Once comintment was on the table
He tried to push back his chair
And walk out the door
Before dinner was even served.

I fear no evil
Because it is inside me
I see the demons
They are my friends
I dont talk much
But i hear whispers in my head

I fear no darkness
Because it is all around me
I see the gravestones
They are my home
I dont think much
But they control my thoughts

I fear no death
Because it is in my soul
I see my lifeless eyes
They are empty holes
I dont feel much
But im already dead

You can see the sadness in his eyes,
Like storm clouds waiting for the rain
You can see it in his veins,
The blood streaming like rivers,
You can see it through his words,
Sounding like a hurricane,
You can see it in the way he holds himself,
Like its brought him to his knees but he stands up continuously
You can see it his hands,
Shaking with anticipation.

When you look at him,
You may see his pain,
His sadness,
His greif.
But you can see the light,
The stars that twinkle at night.
Hes oh so beautiful
Without trying to be.
His wisdom took the best of him,
He cant seem to realize
The greater parts of himself
That make me wonder why hes sitting here with me.
Maybe he will look at you again,
And you see the clouds start to fade,
Dull dark gray.

His words linger in my thoughts,
"I love you."
There on the tip of my tounge,
Trying to say it back
Maybe i feel it,
The butterflies when i look at you
All the breaths ****** away from my lungs when you say my name,
Maybe i love you,
But i cant say it back.
Now,
I think your going away.
Another leaving
Not even saying goodbye,
I think its easier that way,
This time i dont hear your last words,
So i cant have then replaying in my head
Over
And over
Love will set us free
Show us who we need to be
In the middle of the night
Birds circling in flight
It scares us to know the truth
Only to be let down by a lie.
His words lingering in my thoughts,
"I love you."

I've always wondered what im afraid of exactly.
I know i have fears,
And that im constantly afraid.
But i want to be put in a room,
With my fears looking me straight in the face,
I want the racing heart
Shaky hands
Unstable breaths
Maybe im a little insane,
But aren't we all?

There are many things i am happy to forget,
To wipe away
To a clean slate.
A new year,
A new beginning.
The start of something new
Compared to something old.
The lost soul,
Brought to be found again.
Light comes
And darkness fades.
A new year,
Is a new start,
A fresh place,
Happiness may come
To bring sorrowed pain.
Its a new chapter,
A different page.
You are the creator of your own story,
Walk your own path
A new road,
Twist and turns
Blurred lines
Shadowed trees.
Its a new year,
A new beginning
This is your choice,
Only you can decide.

I clutched my hands as hard as i could,
To keep the distance apart from us as small as possible.
My breaths were shaky, full of nervousness with sighs of relief.
I held on to him like i was falling
Hoping he would catch me on the way down.
His lips were strong, full of life
Making me feel alive again
I couldn't get enough of him
He made me feel something,
Something that i am unaware of
But now that i have experienced that feeling,
I crave it.

I never realized how important "no" was,
Until i couldnt force the word of out of my mouth.
I felt his hands creep down my body,
Touch me in places that have never been touched.
The word wouldnt leave my throat,
It felt like it was stuck,
Maybe his forcing mouth kept it there,
Maybe it was my fault,
Maybe i was to weak,
People tell me there was nothing i could do,
But i dont agree.
I felt the screams inside my lungs
Unable to come to the surface,
Like the cigarettes i smoked caged my terrified screams
I felt my tears fall across my face down to my sheets,
I know he saw me crying,
He decided not to care.
He decided to push harder.
As i laid there, my body cold as stone,
Memories flashed across my closed eyes,
The thoughts of everything horrible in my life,
Comparing to that moment.
Now I'll do anything to get his face out of my mind,
Out of my eyes,
Out of my lies.
Ill drink a little to much, and the face starts to blur,
Ill smoke to many cigarettes letting the nicotine run through my veins knowing its killing me through time.
I'll drink a little more to feel alive,
Because I've started to think i died that day.
I've gone away,
To a far of land,
Where im alone,
In a crowded room,
Seeing his face flash across the wall
Feeling the tears fall.

I want a rebellion
I want an out cry against the system
They think its okay to shut us down
And tape our mouths shut
They think were scared of them
In reality were scared of what they can do
They will push us to our breaking points
But we rise against them with the fighting that we go through in our bodies in our everyday life
We will take out the enemy with every last breath we breathe
I am not scared of my government
I know i can stand up, hold my ground
They might have guns
They might have money
But **** it they cant take away my pride
Or my anger towards there power.
People stay quiet
But i wait for the day,
That they are afraid of us,
Because we are more powerful
And we can take apart their power and shove it down their throats
Maybe im a little malicious
But the things I've seen
And the **** they've done
Have made me this way.

Its Christmas Eve,
My mom is screaming
My dad is loving
My family has come
Only to judge
They say we love you
But under their small breaths they whisper
"Because i have to"
They wont except our differences
My mom shouts
The alcohol a little to strong
She weeps
The tears fall on my shirt
Telling me Christmas is ruined
Shes drunk all the time now
Crying a little to loud,
A little too much.
She tells me shes sad,
The sadness consumes her body,
Maybe its spreading,
And i think im catching.
Christmas is ruined
Family means nothing
Being together just isn't important
Maybe life will end soon
And peace will return again.
Am i the problem?
Are you the solution?
Christmas is ruined.

I was born for leaving,
Not staying stationary for months at a time,
I need to keep going
Keep running
I need the air on my face telling me to go further
I need the rush of life that i get when i know im leaving everything behind.
Theres no turning back anymore
Its just a straight road whispering in my ear telling me that greater things are ahead of me but i have to keep pushing,
I dont know where im going
Or where im headed
But im almost there.

My heart is ******* broken
I have been torn wide open
I am breaking apart piece by piece
Just like each falling leaf
I was left in the abyss
Without a single kiss
You stole away my sanity
Now im left with futility
Im in love with danger
Because life couldn't be stranger.

Its like your sitting at a table
Then a handsome man walks up and sits down
You have a few drinks
And share a couple laughs
You get to know eachother,
You share old memories
And untold secrets,
Then a bell rings
And hes gone in a blink of an eye
Winking at the next girl
At the very next table.
You'll share a glance or two,
But after a couple minutes hes a little further down the line.

My body is numb
My heart is racing
I cant stop shaking

Everything so blurry
Nothing is clear
All my words sound slurry
My heart is still broken
They cracked me open,
Just like a bottle of beer
Raising a cheer
To the ******* new year.

Life is full of sad stories
And painful memories
It's also filled with laughter
And beautiful people to share the moments you adore most with
But its a dark world out there with thunderstorms that dont stop
And disasters that never cease
However, there are rays of light
That i call hope,
You have to hold onto that hope,
That it will all get better
Or you will have nothing at all,
You'll just stare blankly at things watching, waiting for a change.
*But you are the change.
You are the hope.

Im not here anymore,
My mind is lost
My heart is gone
Im searching to find my soul
Everyone has left me
And i am alone
There is no hope
There is no sain
Everyone is painless
Or filled with emptyness
I am emotionless
No grief
No sorrow
There's no happiness ethier
Its just another face
Another place.

YOUR TAKING THE AIR FROM MY LUNGS
I CANT TALK
I CANT BREATHE
I AM SUFFOCATING
IN THIS DARK ******* ROOM
YOU CALL MY LIFE.
I AM WATCHING, I AM WAITING FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
SOMEONE BREAK ME FREE
I AM STUCK
I CANT MOVE
PLEASE, RELEASE ME FROM THIS HELL
SOMEONE REACH OUT TO ME
I AM ALONE
AND NO ONE IS LISTENING.
I AM SCREAMING
BUT NO SOUND WILL COME OUT
I AM BREAKING DOWN
I AM ON MY KNEES
BUT THERE IS NO GOD
THERE IS NO ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN DOWN HERE,
AND THEY DON'T GIVE A **** WHO YOU WERE
YOU BELONG TO THEM
AND THEY WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER.
NO ONE CAN SAVE ME
*BECAUSE ITS ALL IN MY HEAD.

Ghosts will follow us into the dark,
They will roam around in our hearts,
They will tell us beautiful words,
Then tear us apart.
They will try drown us,
But we know how to swim.
We shall not be put in shadows by our enemies,
We will rise from the darkness with our black shadows
And we will shine the light in their eyes,
We will burn them to the hell they came from.
Because we are not worthless.

Im tired of just surviving,
I want to live.
Make me feel something!
Anything.

Overthinking is a misconception
We think that we are overthinking everything
In reality we aren't.
We are just normal minded people
Thinking normal things
Because we have feelings that need to be thought about
We have people **** on us and walk on us
We have people bring us to our knees
And step on our faces
So how are we to know who to trust when so many people let us down.
We are not overthinking every possible situation, we are just thinking because maybe they will turn around and watch us drown.

I lost something inside of me,
I lost a living creature inside of my body.
I feel like i am paralyzed
I feel like something has been taken away from me.
I will forever feel emptyness inside my body.
I will forever be unable to look at myself the same way.
I lost a child, that could have been beautiful
I lost myself in every way.
How shall i deal with this pain?

It comes with sleepless night
Breath smelling of the cigarettes you've been smoking
Bags under heavy eyes
Shaky hands that constantly fiddle
Racing hearts
Pain that stabs you time and time again
Always checking behind your shoulders
Afraid of a mans touch
The fear, it comes with every inch of fear that will take you over.

I cant tell you how my head speaks horrible words to me,
I cant tell you that i fall apart every night
I cant tell you that i sleep in my own tears
I cant tell you that I'm afraid of something thats not even there
I cant tell you that i need your touch to to feel okay
I cant tell you that i need your love so i can be happy again
I cant tell you that i have sadness taking over my body
I cant tell you that i feel like there is a battle inside of me that no one can win
I cant tell you that i feel like i am a storm with lightning striking and thunder crashing
I cant tell you who i really am because you might walk away. And i couldn't bear the pain.

Everything here looks dead, and dark
Theres no love filling the air, its just worn out faces
Everyone's pale like life itself has been taken from their bodies,
The trees look like bones,
No flowers grow here,
Only fields of gravestones
It reminds me of a rainy day, a sky with no color
Here, there is suffering sadness printed upon beautiful things
Who knew hell could be so black and white.

I met you not to long ago,
You had a heart full of sadness
And a mind full of madness
Now you are like the ocean
You change at an instant,
But not because your crazy,
Beause your used to being hurt.
You flow with the morning tides and wash away the pain of a cloudy day,
You collide with anxiety at times when theres no way up, or the view is too high.
You crash into things with a whole heart and a steady head.
You are the ocean, you are strong
But you can break.

I was born from the trees
My roots grow for miles
I am a child of the sun
And i live be the moon
My friends are flowers
And i blossom with colors
I will grow throughout my life
And i will die amung the trees
They will cut me down like i was dead,
They will harm my flower friends
They will destroy my roots
And take away my sun, my moon
But i will still be here,
My leaves flowing through the wind
I will plant my seeds and grow again.

Your voice makes the blood im my veins dry
Your smile takes every last breath i breathe
Your soul takes my heart to the grave
Your body makes my skin shiver

I get a rush of nervousness when I see you walk my way
I feel flushed when you say my name
I shake with anticipation when you touch my face
I feel relieved when you breathe on my neck and tell me im all you've ever needed

You make me feel crazy
But i swear i couldn't be happier

Say you like me just one more time,
Give me your heart
And i promise I'll give you mine

Say you love staring into my eyes
Make me feel special
And i promise I'll be by your side

Say you belive in me
Give me your strength
And i promise I'll hold you high

Say you will hold me when i cry
Make me feel loved
And i promise I'll give you my time

Say you want my body
Give me your lust
And i promise I'll give you mine

Say you like me just one more time.

You make me ill
Like i cant feel

You make me sad
Like i did something bad

You make me break down
Like I'm beginning to drown

You make me want to sleep
Like i don't want my heart to beat

You make me feel lifeless
Like I'm heartless

You are depression.
And you control my life and the person i am.

We had those moonlight talks
Star sky kisses
And we were in love

We had those moments in life where we could sit in silence for hours and be completely comfortable
We had the moments in life where we would just stare into eachothers eyes
We had the moments that would take your breath away.

And soon he stole away mine, and i was breathless with no way to speak.

Its heart breaking when the ones who loves us leave us,
Its horrifying when we sit in our own puddles of tears that we created from sleepless nights
It tears our souls apart piece by piece and once we feel whole again
It falls apart just like the very first time he said, "I dont love you anymore."

I heard our song tonight
I remember when you told me that it reminded you of me
And then a beautiful smile flashed across your face
As we listened to it in the car that day
With the windows rolled down
And the wind flowing through our hair
Then we stopped at a park
And you told me you loved me with all your heart
As we stared at the midnight sky
The stars were twinkling so bright,
Like your eyes
Then you said i was the only one who could make you feel whole again
And you kissed me with an open mouth allowing me to only breathe the breath you gave me
All i wanted was that night to last forever
But now im sitting here listening to our song
Wishing for the pain to go away
And the memories flushing through my mind like it was yesterday,
And all the stars line up perfectly like they did that night
As i sit here looking at the stars that were once ours
I only wish that it would have lasted forever,
But now I've come to realize that nothing lasts, and people leave,
Especially when you need them.

I still wish someone would save me.

She was every star that lit up the night sky
She was the grass that grew over feilds of green
She was the moon that brightened the darkest hour
She was the rivers flowing over rocks like nothing touched them
She was the trees growing upon the forest
She was the ocean tides changing with time
She was the soul of a tiger with a heart full of fear and love
She was the love that filled the morning air

She will be in our hearts forever till death takes us over and brings us back to her.

We sit at the table with joined hands
And say grace
But then you sit there and say what your thankful for.
Are we thankful that this so called "god" gave us this life?
Are we thankful that he's put us through hell with tied hands that can't do anything?
Are we thankful that he gave us situations where we were supposed to be strong but he let us break?
Why should we be thankful for a god who doesnt exist for a life we dont wish we had.
We are the kids who sit at tables with joined hands but open eyes with tears starting to form because we are not thankful.

He was a sunday evening sunset
He was the song of early morning birds
He was the light shining through windows in morning hush
He was the breath taking moments of life

&

I was the pooring rain on a friday night
I was the hushed tones of voices that carried throught darkness
I was the ocean with its constant crashing waves
I was the horrible scream of silence surrounded by a crowded room

His life was to beautiful to love a sad dark world like mine.

At this time last year i was in love
I was happy
I felt free
I thought i belonged
My heart was whole
And i was a person

Now, at this moment
I am alone
I cant seem to smile
I feel contained
I am an outcast
My heart is shattered in pieces across the floor, like broken glass
And now, i cant tell the difference,
If im a monster
Or if im just invisible.

I got lost one day,
Lost in my own head.
It was full of old memories, and stories.
Like walking down memory lane,
Watching smile after smile pass.
I saw a memory when i was little laughing and playing with the flowers.
Being a child, not a care in the world, no pain on my shoulder, no sadness on my face, just a child. Laughing and smelling the roses.
Then i saw myself and i was sitting on the edge of a grave stone,
Pulling on a cigarette.
I looked older less like myself,
Like grief has aged me in places that took away my youth.
I walked a little closer and saw that i was sitting on my own grave,
Taking one last drag of my cigarette.

So i met this person not too long ago.
I thought he'd be different than most,
But i was fooled yet once again.
However, things were different
It wasn't love
It was lust
I knew i couldn't love him because of the way he was,
But then i started fallin.
And I'm afraid of heights
But the last person i had, he caught me.
And he held me till i could breathe again.
But then, once i was breathing, he released, he let go.
And once he saw that i was okay, he decided to break me. THen i couldn't breathe and i was drowning in my own air.
But this person, he didn't catch me like i thought, he picked me up when i hit the floor,
I thought he'd hold me high above his head so i could breathe the air i needed,
So i could be okay again.
But instead, he threw me down harder,
He pushed me down till there was nothing left of me.
he tore me to pieces
And now he wants to say he's sorry,
But i don't hold grudges anymore,
I promised myself that a long time ago,
So i forgave him but i will never forget.
It will always be in the back of my head,
The things he took from me, that i will
never get back.