your choices come down fast to none at all
an echo of the truth is no reward
since none will hear you if you have to call

out through the darkness that shall swiftly fall
when hope and vengeance reach their first accord
your choices come down fast to none at all

a world once large has rapidly grown small
and all good options have gone by the board
since none will hear you if you have to call

so half the planet listens to this brawl
while all the others look away quite bored
your choices come down fast to none at all

you've lost the plot been cast beyond the wall
finding out now just what you had deplored
since none will hear you if you have to call

in utter silence you confront the squall
with all the energy you can afford
your choices come down fast to none at all
since none will hear you if you have to call

I wish
I held a secret
affections unuttered as to
avoid the coming clutter
of our friendship
coloring pages uncolored
now, i love colors, don't get me wrong
but when i mix the hues
and they come out differently than i expect
when i aim for purple and insteead get blue
its unnerving, loss of control,
thoughts of being undeserving because i did something wrong
the entire nature of our friendship has been altered - now, i am afraid
before. . .i could hide. everything could be fine.
so long as i shut my eyes and kept mt teeth clenched tight.
i wish i hadnt told you how i felt last night. . .
especially since i wish i knew how to express my self rightly
i cant put words to these affections quite so well
i love you, but not in the way that i might love someone else
that i would feel these things for. . . i don't think i like you like that
i think my jealousy is wrapped up in my own pride
i think my affections are perfectly fine.
i dont want you to have the idea
that im falling madly in love with you
and that you have to at all change the way we are
that. . .would be the tragedy i am afraid of.
even the slightest altering of the innocent
simple, beautiful, unexplained nature of our friendship

i can see the  reflection of a tree
sparesely decorated with colored leaves
hidden under or over - im not quite sure
the backgroud of my computer screen
behind me is the window
and sky, and wind, and trees
are just a second in that direction
but here i sit
in lecture, reflecting on reflections

Everything is getting so bad.
I am getting so bad.
It really is and I really am.
I have no motovation.
I just can't do anything.
I binge and I purge.
I'm using a cold blade to make myself burn with scars.
Again.
There is no home for me.
I sleep all day.
I've missed a dangerous amount of classes.
I need a job.
I have yet to process
Major things that are happening.
**** has been continuously hitting the fan
For seven years and
I just can't make it stop
And I can't catch a breath,
And the flashbacks are awful.
I just wrecked my thighs.
I don't want to burden anybody.
I know all I do is complain.
But it is literally me screaming for help.
And no one is helping me.
I'm up to my neck in my own mental disorders.
I'm drowning.
I really ******* am.
I walk around late night hope I'll get killed,
I stare at 163 sleeping pills every night.
I'm all late night binging and purging.
This is the ******* life.
I carry a toothbrush in my purse
And tell people I'm just obsessed with my tooth health.
I smoke to hide the smell of *****.
I'm drowning.
I'm desperate.
I'm drowning.
Why are strangers offering more help
Than the people in real life that I'm begging.
I'm an adult now.
It's no longer the fault
Of the people who raised me.
I have waited for this day to come.
The day where all of the sudden
The blame shifts to you.
I'm still drowning.
I'm dying.
I'm drowning.
I know I should stop cryjng for help
And just get it myself.
But I used up all my strength
I really did.
And I will be perfectly fine
With just dying.
I really would be.
I'm drowning anyway.
Might as well make it literal.

How many times have you said
new creation is not just for your generation
that the remnants of peoples will become the lifeblood of your nation
how often
have you driven me to transformation
and i have tended toward apathy and stagnation
how many days
how many days have you traced the edges of my unhappiness with your eyes
hungry to trace them with your hands,
hungry to heal me when i , i am hungry to stay dead
I am done with that
How many times can i embrace the truth?
How many times can i remember that you have scars too?
How many, how many
times can i find that i dont have to jump through hoops
and still not believe
but i am done with that
how many times have i seen?
how many times have i pulled back the black sky
to thank you for the water that falls from my blind side
how many times have i smiled
simply because i saw your face peek out
in the darkest of moments
how many, how many times
have i acted like i haven't known it
it was you
How many, how many times, can i quit?
I don't want to continue.

I could be ended
independently of any plans i have
my next moment could slip into the past
as my last breath
my next moment could become just a scratch in the crust of the earth
a resting place for my bones and teeth
a scratch that leaves a scar
i would pray that i might be missed by more than few and far
between you and i, i know
i know i am selfish
i admit that i am self absorbed
i like to masquerade as introspective
because who doesnt believe that looking inward to sort your self out
is beneficial, who doesnt think that just a little selfishness is acceptable
I am prideful, i love you for me
i do good things
because doing good makes me feel good
i hide when you most need my presence
because well, "i needed it and i just couldnt help it"
I talk about me again, even when i have already said it
i am sick, i need a medic,
i have been manic,
i am letting go of my madness
i will not find the light in it
i have found it
and turned my face to the side
faking that i couldnt tell the truth
from a lie.