Is it wrong to miss you this much?

Your eyes sinking deep into mine as hands touched bodies you straddled my mind with your illuminating being
By breathing life to a heart that once lacked oxygen,
Yes you filled me up so much yet left me not half full but empty inside.
I hanged onto my life support whom I called God even though my asthmatic attacks were catching up with me as I slept I tried losing myself in dreams,
I started wheezing inside out and the tears fell down like a waterfalls down oblivious cheeks which once glowed with the kiss of your lips because by then you meant something to me and I was falling in love too quickly to see what I was going to end up losing...which was you.

So is it wrong to miss you my love?
For love was there from the beginning via the inner parts of our hearts,
Beneath blankets that laid two naked lovers with hope residing within body soul and mind to be or perhaps grow together and be one I thought to myself.

But look at you now
Look at me now
I'm slowly caving into my four bedroom walls that once again laugh and mock at my chances of finding love.

Where are you ?
Are you hiding yourself in dark corners to punish my mind as to why you requited the favour of love by stabing my heart.
So

Is it wrong to miss u now?
To want you to wrap your arms around my cold waist for you to warm it up?
To pleasure my desires of hearing your irresistible voice as you speak about your ambitions in life and how a part of you sees me in it too?

To kiss you and do it again freely freeing myself into our world that once existed?

To perhaps have a moment whereby I chose you only and not God just so I can worship you and Praise you like a king and love you with all of my being.
Just to have you once again in my arms or lay on your chest to hear your heart beating away and smiling to myself that out of Anyone you chose me and I chose the best.

I wish there were no eyes to see
No tongue to taste
No air to breath
No feet to walk
No heart to feel
No mouth to talk
No hands to touch
No mind to think
No thoughts
Nothing
Not a single existence of this view in the mirror  before me.

For I've learnt that at the end of the day no matter how many times you try to be you
No matter how many times you try to be the fixer of all things
Life chews you up and throws you away on the grounds you were born from and your existence eventually means nothing to anyone.

Not a single one
So what's the point?
Why don't I just die
I've planned to commit suicide several times
But the timing doesn't seem right
Will it ever be?
My impregnated thoughts are slowly  killing me as they build up an army inside my mind, injecting their pictures into my blood stream stabbing words straight to my heart.
I want it all to disappear
Not now though
I need it to be the right time
I've still got hope
That maybe its part of life
But each day is killing me
All I want to do is sleep
I crave love yet I can't seem to find it
For wherever I do seems like no one can handle me or give like I give.
Perhaps I should go
I need to be alone
I need to die
I've come to a point that this life has no meaning
I have no meaning
I hate myself for being like this
I hate happy people with happy lives and happy dreams
How could I ever have their thinking
Their believes that there is something worth living for
My life feels poor
I can hear the exit door calling me
I need to stop these tears  from having a galore
I need to go.

I'm sorry if I leave the world broken and bruised as it still is
I'm sorry of I couldn't make a difference
I'm sorry if I hurt those that care about me
I'm sorry if I haven't given my enemies the chance to get back at me
I'm sorry for not following your purpose Lord
I guess you had so much plans for me and I slapped you in the face with death beneath your feet
Forgive me please

Hell is waiting
For the day I leave these grounds
It may be today or any other day
But I'm tired
The verge of giving up has become an understatement
Maybe I'm going crazy
But how can I be when my heart carries on paining  each morning I awake.
It's suffocating me and one day I will make It all disappear I promise you my friend.
No sight of me shall reach your eyes
No taste shall come unto my tongue
No air shall I breath
No feet of mine shhall walk unto your path
No heart shall you hear or feel
Not a single word from my mouth shall you hear
No caring hands shall reach out
No thoughts shall you ever read  from my lips
Nothing
Not a single view from this mirror shall ever ceize to exist.

I remember winter days, the storms roared and the oblivious rain fell away, drifting into nothingness.
My tears still remained on my cheeks as if they were making a place to stay for them. They seemed to drain every part and place which once contained happiness.

How did I come to know a place of emptiness could exist?
That such could take many of a man's breath away, even lead man's life to his death?

And yet you were still there with me,
Your bread of life laid next to my bedside awaiting in excitement for me to hear its call.
The seasons went and wept and so did I.
I was on the verge of giving up, for my heart was at the end of a cliff and all I needed to do was jump and maybe all emptiness would perhaps eradicate or disappear like I was about too then.

You reached out a hand oh Lord,
So gentle yet inseparable and you told me that many season's may change my child, but I am here and

will always be here you said.
You wiped away my never ending tears.
Like a seed you planted yourself into my heart,
The reflection of a smile grew for miles and miles.

Who knew that love like this could exist,
To quench men's thirst to say "through him I shall live"
And through you majesty I did.

.
~~
One day you were waiting
your soul singing,
behind an open window,
in front of a large meadow

For the days long
there you made a love song
that blew me so long
grew our love so strong

where never seen any sad,
even days were not at all bad

If I did a little late
that I never forget,
sometimes you made a huff
but between us there was no gap

..
O, the days have gone
If I do not make any wrong
yet the little robin sings the spring's song,
which I bought through my lifelong

But your silhouette,
doesn't go a little far off yet

With a mystic fate
there a pair of pigeons set
yet trying to mate
just before the last breath
.
..
~~
@Musfiq us shaleheen

I like my my french lover and his french like ways,
the way he sings in foreign accent,
the way makes me feel gay:)

~
he who is a little ahead of his time
whose treasures of the words random
romanticism is in the blood, marrow,
his mood is as the autumn clouds

he who has lost his path within path
drowning with dreams, sunk you within dreams  
again holds thousands of lost dreams
fly the colorful kites in the blue sky

he who hide within himself
**** in his naked poetry
In forms humorous,harmonic  
as a portrait of the Vincent's starry night

he is a pilgrim who has lost himself within spirituality  
holds everything with the love  
who is for everybody so everybody is for him
But in fact there is nothing in all his

he who is simple straight as the waterfall
when in complex grew hard stone
who broke rules for building rules,
knows himself within the other life

whose words never be end
again he moves on and on
who laughs in the moonlight
again swept in pain without thinking any gain

who looks the life
as a grain of sand
and see the sign of love
in the footprint of a fossil

he who is a poet -
~