A lifetime of fragile bones
taught me to put away
all sharp objects.

It's hard to be clever
when sometimes I wonder
if we should still be together.

It's hard to make a ****** pun
when I know
later in bed, there will be none.

It's hard to find rhymes
in the midst of my apathetic mind
when I know I have to beg,
when I'm feeling left behind.

All I can find at this time
are words with pieces
of my rotting heart,
words that only serve
at pushing us apart.

How about an empty card?

I spent this morning
giving myself a beating
about my face
            my hair
            my body
pinching pieces of fat
to find the one
that makes you not want me
then
I could take forbidden blades
and cut myself down
to the size
You wanted to feel inside
Your hands
to become the molded object
You would like to hold
again.

Most nights I still dream about you
About a face that I know
better than my own
Or used to.
I remember how you said you rarely dreamed
And I hope that's still true,
That you are granted the small mercy
of not seeing me
when you sleep.
Of not waking haunted
by your dreams.

I'm not your manic pixie dream girl
I'm not the one the rules don't apply to
I'm not the one you can listen to chew
Without needing to leave the room

I'm not your blonde *** goddess
I'm not the one you can't get enough of
I'm not the one you want to put your tongue on
Everytime I get out of the shower

I'm not the one you fell in love with
I'm not the easygoing rebel
I'm not the one with it all together
That you can turn to

I want to be her
More than I want to be myself
I want your undivided attention
More than I want anything else

But I have to decide
If the reality is worth living in
If I can give up all my fantasies
And expectations
Again.

Isn't this a different version
of the game you used to play?
'If I only did this
he'd want to sleep with me again?'

If I only,
If I only,
If I only,
He would.

But you should know better than most
That he won't.

The eggshells started in the sink
But wound up on the floor.
I walked into the room
And they flew at me once more.
Shrinking my provisions
To the ones within this door.
Even taking out the trash
Is not a safe thing anymore.

If I had known, would I have showed?
Or would I have opted to stay home
Where the dishes can be loaded
Anyway I please
And not at me.

substances won't solve your problems
all them start from where you got them
all them end from where you shy from
you're alone cause
you call no one

no spine
means no adequate help
you always fall
back on yourself
**** your health
you're the only one to die for

scrawl the words that say

NO MORE
NO MORE
NO MORE

you said
it makes a difference
that i give a ****
that i'm trying
to do something about it
that i'm aware

but it doesn't really matter does it?
the result is still the same
my sadness has slowed the pace

almost to a stop.

and all i really want
is to be that girl you wanted

but i turned out to be
just as haunted
just as flawed
just as much of a burden

as anyone else you had to hide blades from.

The last little glimmer of hope dies
The one I've been trying all day
not to keep alive.
And after it
comes a giant wave of disappointment.

This is why
I try to ****** my feelings.
Bury them alive,
Bury them deep.
I don't know how to deal
with the grief
when they die violently
in front of me.
Other than writing eulogies
that no one reads.
Create gravestones
that no one visits
but me.

He's transfixed by the well-spoken lyrics
of a metaphorical girl
but too tired,
too disconnected
for the feelings
of the girl in the real world right next to him.
Maybe she could text it to him
get his attention for more
than 30 seconds,
Be more like one of those videos
he swipes through
So much
that his finger
twitches to a beat.
But he's beat,
tired,
doesn't have time.

She's no long a mystery he can solve.
He put all the puzzle pieces together
but the image doesn't change.
He's not interested in things
that remain the same
Only new ideas every few seconds,
only stories he can get through in one night.
Anything else
requires too much focus,
too much commitment.

So she swallows and accepts
the few moments in time.
Tries to sum it all up in a thesis statement
Instead of rambling it up in rhyme.
But it feels so ******* insufficient
Every
single
time.

When you touch my body
it's just a casual pass.
Lust is not the first thing on your mind,
it seems it's next to last.
A mindless passing squeeze,
a casual stick and poke.
Treating my desire
as if it were a joke.

I've never felt so much
like a bag of flesh and bones.
No beauty and
no mysticism,
No tempting burlesque show.
Only breast and hip,
only foot and toe.

I guess I'm the last one left
to caress and pry.
I wish I could kiss my collarbone
and fleshy inner thighs
just right.

But most of all I wish
your passion ate you
when I was nearby.

Started so explosive,
two planets colliding.
Now just bits and fragments
that orbit each other.
Music you once sent me:
now radio silence.
Bodies once explored:
now pecks of kisses.

How many more ways
can you say you're not interested?
How many more days
until I start listening?

and not go so far away
but I know that you must go
and I know that I must stay.
The noose I threaded for myself
was never built for two
and even if you wallowed with me,
what good would that do?

I hate that we're already in
the 'remember when' phase
the 'is he just tired
or does he not want me' days
Nights when I wait
to hear your soft sleeping breath
so I can let loose the tears
hours after their threat.
'Remember when' my face
was so chafed from your beard
and those hours of kissing?
Now it's a peck on the lips
You collapse on the couch
completely zone into a screen.

You say that you're grumpy
and you don't know why
I want to suggest that
it's cause you haven't had ***
but
I'm so scared of another
loving, quiet
rejection
the unreturned touches
leave me
as unsatisfied as unfinished phrases,
unturned pages
of the book
we no longer read together.

without him i feel so lonely
but maybe that makes me
my own victim
of the patriarchy
that i can't stand
and hold my own
without a man's validation

or maybe
that's just
a symptom of
my lack of self-esteem

maybe those are results
of my own
shortcomings

My initial thought
is
'how do i get him to come save me?'
even when i know
he's the one i'm mad at

i'm not strong enough
never have been
to stand on my own
to have my own back
i always need someone else's
reassurance
and i think they always
bet on that

when do i learn
to become my own person
and stand up even when
everyone else is
laying flat?

I'm learning what
       to learn to say
I'm tripping up
       along the way
I try my best to be okay
  for you

I'm learning not to compromise
       between my wants
       and all my lies
That all those things
       that I have done
       I truly wanted to.

My stumbling steps
       seem not enough
But weary legs
       can be so rough
When lying down
       waiting to drown
       has been what got me through

But with your rough
        and strengthened hands
I'll take each step
        after I stand
Each fall is easier to land
   with you
   to come back to.

We all like to paint ourselves
       as the victim
But you had a ******* museum.
I'm not saying you didn't
       have the currency
To hang all those paintings
But you loved to live there
       and stare at them.

You never showed me all your pictures,
Never purged yourself of paint.
You said I made you happy
But clung to pigments
                       and brushstrokes
Like they were the only thing
your arms could be full of.
Your primary lover:
the sadness you danced with.

Well I guess I handed you
                                              every supply
To paint your biggest piece of all.
I'm sure the placard underneath reads:
The Marriage and the Downfall.
Today you must be staring at it
Just like me.

But tomorrow
I hope
you find your way outside
and breathe
                                                 fresh air.

My heart is filled with
   black clouds
                and thunderstorms
that won't blow through.
Is it not raining
        inside of you?

Am I the only one without sun?

I love to drink
Because it gets me
away
from my baseline.
The fact that I hate life,
existence.
Day
by day
by mediocre
day.
Is it better
closer
or farther away?
From the people with smiling faces,
conversations,
fully masked and exhausting.
What's the difference?
There is no revelation
being sober.
Just the same minute ticking
over and over.
I am so unimportant
and I don't know how
to stop the constant drowning.

Always writing about choking
and wishing to fly free;
where does it get me?
Chained to the same
sinking tree.
Trying to find
beauty
or ease
in the days that never cease,
the veins refuse to bleed
for me.
Who cares?
Nobody is a savior.
No flavor there to savor.

I want to be numb.

It hurts so much
I cannot bear
there's nowhere to run
And no way to share
I cannot tell you what's wrong
For I will be a broken record player
repeating the same sad song
until it's stuck in your head.
I want to protect you from this
So that we're not both dragged down
Maybe it would be better for you
To not wait for the anchor
to drag your boat underwater

I should be the only one who drowns.

Go on your adventures
Climb mountains
Swim rivers
Stroll along paths
we used to walk together
Howl at the moon
soak in its shine.

Traverse back down the mountain
To the tepid swamp
we call home.

Come back to my shackled sadness
I'll drown you in it.

And now I've forced myself back
into a cage of my own making.
There is no escaping
no light
only tunnel.
I'm back to no adventure
                    no excitement
Can't even have my coping habits
Back inside my little box
with limited options.
**** this.
I hate myself.
I tasted freedom for such a brief second
And I ruined it.

when my birthfather messages.
the dread that he'll ask me to see him

when I tell him of my divorce
and he asks no questions
and offers
no condolences.
when I try to tell details
and he talks over me
             tells me
best to not speak ill of the past,
there's no reason.
when I must pay a stranger
to listen like he should
               like he didn't
all these years,
when the words were not something
he wanted to hear
or maybe
he's scared of my tears.
the ones he told me
solve nothing
while offering
           no solutions
           no protections
           no affection
unless he found it fit
between the cracks of his moods
within the space of his closet.

because he likes to keep peace
I must not trod upon it.

I've been keeping it at bay for so long
letting it loose
feels rusty,
unnatural.

I used to consume boys
like a wildfire.
Teeth and hands and hips.
No second thoughts,
no reservedness.
But I've had to be so gentle,
so plain,
so long

I've forgotten how it feels

like bliss,
like nervousness,
like does my body fit like this
with you

unrestrained action
and passion
and fun

I want to go on.

Pretty little bird,
Who created her own cage,
Who once hated her own wings
For being flighty.
Now stares outward
From behind her wooden bars,
That she picked so meticulously
For their comfort
            and safety.

And only now
           notices their restrictions.

There is safety
                but there are no skies.
        She loves to sing
                         but also to fly.

If she breaks some branches
    for a doorway
will the rest crumble
with her inside?

Or is it possible
      to have a nest to return to
    As well as the sky?

Should she try?

If I wrote you a note
would you sign it?
Would you add 'PS Me too'
At the bottom?
Leave them with two coffins?

someday you'll sleep through the morning
return this night owl to darkened trees
until then you are stuck
chasing dreams with broken feet

I don't mean to make you cry
But my own tears are rivers
This water breaking stone down
into canyons
Until there's nothing left,
just emptiness
Just a spectacle for others to stare at
And to tempt the other jumpers
Who feel just as empty inside.

Nowhere to hide
When the closet isn't big enough
The darkness doesn't last long enough
And you spend your whole days tired
Uninspired
Walking on the thinnest wire
That you try not to fall off of.
Why not jump?
One gust of wind will blow you over
Why wait?
Till then the torture's never over
The other side is never closer
The end always only in sight
Why fight?

I'm disintegrating
even hard rock's made into canyon
how long can you keep going
how long can you hold?
the village safe
from the avalanche?
-give it a few more days-
at what point is the break?
or is it like erosion
so slow that you don't notice
so gradual, there is no pain?
but you choose
each day
are you withering away?
Are you pushing yourself so hard
that the cliff is quickly nearing?
How much will it hurt
when you hit
the bottom?
you choose
you choose
you choose
But you can only think about
what you will lose.

How much is too much
and how little's enough?
If I reach for you
will you shy from my touch?
If I choke out the words
will they be enough?

Cause I don't want to push, love.
I don't want to shove.
I just need to know now
if I'm still the one.

Are you still having fun?

If I opened the front door
Would you try to run?
Have my little "quirks"
become just too much?
Do you despise setting timers
for laundry and lunch?

"How deep is your love?"

If I asked you for candles and wine
would you do it?
Would you begrudge me for asking
to see if the shoe fits?
Cause I know getting older
doesn't have to mean *******.
Proximity doesn't have to mean closeness.

I just want to know, love
If you'd still be concerned
Do I bring too much heat?

Does your fire still burn?

And now
after years of torment
with only brief reprise
I can hold your
damaged heart
throughout each night
I can keep it safely beating
right next to mine

I can keep the longest nights
and greet the
sun-filled sky

with you

Red lines running through my
       mind all day
I cannot make them


                go away
   cannot let the thoughts
                  sink in
Like a razor in my skin


Cannot let them win

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                       every day
I cannot make it
               go away.
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same.


I know I am fighting
          a battle

that I will eventually
           lose.

Sometimes it feels like
we're just making excuses
to not see each other.
Is that what's happening
or
am I just overthinking things?
Are we getting closer
or further apart?

Do I
still truly
have your heart?

Why does the human heart
have to love
       so much?
Why do I have to
                                 yearn?
I would like to accept
  that things are
      the way they are
   And who cares?
                                     But I do
                    too much.
I want such a different
     life than I am living
And it's not so easy
to just "take a different path."
I like the road I'm on
It is just
    far too slow
          And it's killing me.

I'm so tired of breathing
                        the same
                           stale
                            air
So tire of waking
                     to nobody
                          there
Unbearably sick of
                       living
                            dependent

I can't stand it.

I want to move forward
so badly
but all this time
a spire
has stood in our way.
I love you as hard
as I could imagine
loving anyone
but still
it's not enough.

I am not allowed to live with you
because they would disagree.
And
we cannot
get married
because you are not free.

You say that you're sorry
and I surely believe you
but
it doesn't change things.

I still sleep
                      alone.
And we lie
                      perfectly.

I don't want to live this way.

I cannot keep doing this.

I need to
escape
escape
escape
escape

I don't often find
sharp edges
on you.
It's startling
to see how easily
those harsh words
mean everything.

That time it was you
and I
recall
a few other times that
you were the cause

Just cause
I pretend so easily
doesn't mean
they don't
cut straight into me

You're not an enemy
But sometimes
the result is just the same.

Strange,
Making you a "failure"
is as filled with guilt
As making him one.

Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Pl­ease
Don't **** yourself.

You are not a stranger,
No
I know your face quite well.
I still remember
your heartbeat
As I tried desperately
to hold all the blood
inside your heart,
Tried to keep you
from falling apart.

I never succeeded.

My fingernails only cut
more holes into your delicate skin.
All your tears
Only caused me to
Slip and fall,

I had to run
to keep you from stealing it all-
I cannot pretend
as if
none of this happened
I must remember

how I had to expel
parts of you
from deep within myself.
How your pain left me with scars.
Love is not the only thing
that leaves marks.

And my nails are still too sharp

To hold your fragile heart.

You asked me what had changed
         I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself add
to your current state of hell.
But if I were to be completely honest
I'd have to tell you
That it's those years that I have
     completely forgotten
                                                       ­            They changed me.

I had to learn to be less wanting
I had to learn to try less "us" things.
I had to distance myself
so you couldn't hurt me
Because you did-
  over and over again -
(I cannot say this.)

I guess it's the same as I'm hurting you now,
You showed me how...

But if we both lost this
       will we lose each other?

My heart is full of want,
I'm unsettled.
I can't move.
Can't sit.
Can't meddle
In any of my business





****
I lost it.

The thoughts
like little barbs against my skin
trying still
to claw their way in,
to leave their marks.

Little pains
that never come to be
they have to get past me-
and the person
that I have learned to be

they don't know
how I've grown

They don't understand.

Or maybe I
am the one
underestimating them

They may get in
when my
resolve has
fallen too low
for it has been known
to do so
Maybe I'll buckle
Maybe I'll kneel

But until then

I will just feel
the knocking at the door,
Insisting

On me giving in,
taking that sharpness

to my skin,

feeling

Pain.

Today I realized

this year
it was only his birthday
and not

your deathdate.

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                      every day
I cannot make it
               go away
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same

I know I am fighting a battle
  that I will eventually
            lose.

I think it's starting to tip
into the realm of unhealthy,
possibly dangerous.
I've always been wary
of the edge
but this time
I see myself leaning,
I see myself teetering
Making decisions
I very soon regret
That I want to forget
But I can't
and I shouldn't
because these could be the moments
That keep me in check
I need to keep me in check
or the ending
could be
disastrous.

You've been holding onto rocks
to keep yourself
from being swept away
your whole life.
None of them
were strong enough
Until one day

You thought you found
        the one

It was big
and it was sturdy
and you clung to it
But it never
clung back.

Now you've been
clinging to this rock
for a very long time
and the scenery has grown old
You've seen all
the seasons
So
many
times.
But you are not drowning
for the most part
And will take this peace
over the treacherous currant
and all its dangers

any day.

Lately you've noticed

this rock does not seem
big enough
anymore.
Have the rough waters
worn it down
without you noticing
or
have you
impossibly
grown bigger?

You cling tighter.
The rock

does not cling back.

A particularly rough storm approaches
the water is
stinging
and bites.

Suddenly

Your rock has crumbled
out
from underneath you.
You cannot
grasp all the bits and pieces
and put them back
together again.

This throws you down
the crazy stream
You bash into boulders.
They leave
Deep cuts
and
Dark bruises

You somehow make it through
rapids
But try to grasp at small stones
Hope one
could be a steady friend

But nothing sticks.

You hold the small remnants
of your lost steadiness
so tight
your skin is bleeding
Even cling to grass and twigs
won't hold
you cannot control
your pathway
anymore.

You fear
a waterfall.

It's incredibly bizarre
to feel your
strongest
and
weakest
at the exact same time.

Nights are set to
destroy me
covering me
in cuts, bruises,
and words
the world is
crumbling around me

I have nothing left to give
you
I have given
   everything
And you have given me
nothing in return.