I want to move forward
so badly
but all this time
a spire
has stood in our way.
I love you as hard
as I could imagine
loving anyone
but still
it's not enough.

I am not allowed to live with you
because they would disagree.
And
we cannot
get married
because you are not free.

You say that you're sorry
and I surely believe you
but
it doesn't change things.

I still sleep
                      alone.
And we lie
                      perfectly.

I don't want to live this way.

I cannot keep doing this.

I need to
escape
escape
escape
escape

I don't often find
sharp edges
on you.
It's startling
to see how easily
those harsh words
mean everything.

That time it was you
and I
recall
a few other times that
you were the cause

Just cause
I pretend so easily
doesn't mean
they don't
cut straight into me

You're not an enemy
But sometimes
the result is just the same.

Strange,
Making you a "failure"
is as filled with guilt
As making him one.

Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Please
Pl­ease
Don't **** yourself.

You are not a stranger,
No
I know your face quite well.
I still remember
your heartbeat
As I tried desperately
to hold all the blood
inside your heart,
Tried to keep you
from falling apart.

I never succeeded.

My fingernails only cut
more holes into your delicate skin.
All your tears
Only caused me to
Slip and fall,

I had to run
to keep you from stealing it all-
I cannot pretend
as if
none of this happened
I must remember

how I had to expel
parts of you
from deep within myself.
How your pain left me with scars.
Love is not the only thing
that leaves marks.

And my nails are still too sharp

To hold your fragile heart.

You asked me what had changed
         I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself add
to your current state of hell.
But if I were to be completely honest
I'd have to tell you
That it's those years that I have
     completely forgotten
                                                       ­            They changed me.

I had to learn to be less wanting
I had to learn to try less "us" things.
I had to distance myself
so you couldn't hurt me
Because you did-
  over and over again -
(I cannot say this.)

I guess it's the same as I'm hurting you now,
You showed me how...

But if we both lost this
       will we lose each other?

My heart is full of want,
I'm unsettled.
I can't move.
Can't sit.
Can't meddle
In any of my business





****
I lost it.

The thoughts
like little barbs against my skin
trying still
to claw their way in,
to leave their marks.

Little pains
that never come to be
they have to get past me-
and the person
that I have learned to be

they don't know
how I've grown

They don't understand.

Or maybe I
am the one
underestimating them

They may get in
when my
resolve has
fallen too low
for it has been known
to do so
Maybe I'll buckle
Maybe I'll kneel

But until then

I will just feel
the knocking at the door,
Insisting

On me giving in,
taking that sharpness

to my skin,

feeling

Pain.

Today I realized

this year
it was only his birthday
and not

your deathdate.

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                      every day
I cannot make it
               go away
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same

I know I am fighting a battle
  that I will eventually
            lose.

I think it's starting to tip
into the realm of unhealthy,
possibly dangerous.
I've always been wary
of the edge
but this time
I see myself leaning,
I see myself teetering
Making decisions
I very soon regret
That I want to forget
But I can't
and I shouldn't
because these could be the moments
That keep me in check
I need to keep me in check
or the ending
could be
disastrous.

You've been holding onto rocks
to keep yourself
from being swept away
your whole life.
None of them
were strong enough
Until one day

You thought you found
        the one

It was big
and it was sturdy
and you clung to it
But it never
clung back.

Now you've been
clinging to this rock
for a very long time
and the scenery has grown old
You've seen all
the seasons
So
many
times.
But you are not drowning
for the most part
And will take this peace
over the treacherous currant
and all its dangers

any day.

Lately you've noticed

this rock does not seem
big enough
anymore.
Have the rough waters
worn it down
without you noticing
or
have you
impossibly
grown bigger?

You cling tighter.
The rock

does not cling back.

A particularly rough storm approaches
the water is
stinging
and bites.

Suddenly

Your rock has crumbled
out
from underneath you.
You cannot
grasp all the bits and pieces
and put them back
together again.

This throws you down
the crazy stream
You bash into boulders.
They leave
Deep cuts
and
Dark bruises

You somehow make it through
rapids
But try to grasp at small stones
Hope one
could be a steady friend

But nothing sticks.

You hold the small remnants
of your lost steadiness
so tight
your skin is bleeding
Even cling to grass and twigs
won't hold
you cannot control
your pathway
anymore.

You fear
a waterfall.

It's incredibly bizarre
to feel your
strongest
and
weakest
at the exact same time.

Nights are set to
destroy me
covering me
in cuts, bruises,
and words
the world is
crumbling around me

I have nothing left to give
you
I have given
   everything
And you have given me
nothing in return.

My deck was shuffled,
the cards spit across the room.
I must
find
all the aces,
put
the deck
back together.

I finally have gathered
almost all
these squares,
these
unchecked boxes,
go back in order.

the aces
still
give me papercuts
so I leave
them on the floor

for now.

They say you should fix it.

It will be hard.

And I am waiting on just that.
But you cannot simply
say the word hard
Like it's just made of four letters,
Like it isn't your whole life
including
all the points in between
the helping.

I gave into suggestion
and I tried antidepressants
that ******* made me crazier
than I already am.
But when I find something
that helps me
I must take secret doses
because
it's not a prescription given
by someone
who doesn't know me.

Don't scold me
I'm doing all I can
to hold on.

are the strings
i thought
were holding me up
actually
tying me down?

I woke next to you this morning
Your warm skin and scruffy face
           -which I find incredibly ****
And usually just this
Can make me skip
   throughout my day

But not today.
I woke with
       the silent wild fire
  from last night - and several days before -
still quietly burning
still slowly consuming
            my heart.

The night before this one
     you promised
things will change
But how can I wait
with my forest turning into ashes
        tree by tree
        branch by burning branch?

How can I wait for you to stop this fire
by throwing bucketfuls of water at it?

It's been almost one whole year, my love.
When will this charade be over?
I've been quiet in the background,
hiding in the shadows,
waiting for the day they all will know.
I never thought it would last this long.

When will I be freed of this indefinite sentence?
When will we stop playing this game of hide & seek?
When will you unveil me?

I'm still waiting...

Most of the
time it's forgotten.
But in times
like this I am
reminded.
I wish you could
come
but you "can't",
wish I wasn't
a secret
but I
"must be".
I am reminded
that we
don't have a
normal, free
relationship
and we never
will.

I watch the couple
walking together in the park
it's getting dark
and I wish you were here with me.
We could hold hands
and walk as they do,
me and you

but we are not free.
I wish I could share
the trees and the sun,
the sound of water as it runs,
with someone besides
all these strangers
surrounding me.
With someone I love.

A man asks me
'What are you doing all alone?"
My only answer
is a question,
"What am I doing?"

If this was a movie
there'd be a
      big fight scene
And we'd
      almost give up
                   all hope.

But at some point
         you'd realize
some things are
     worth war cries.
And you'd      stand up
                            and
                           fight
For our love.

rub against me
make me spark
start a big flame
to take up all this
                cold dark
I burn for you.

Throw water on me
watch the flame
                    disappear
walk away, as I lay
               on the damp ground

leave me feeling cold
     charred,
                 burnt out.

Don't want my ink
Upon your skin
Don't let it in-
But tell me, sweet boy,
What are you afraid of?
That I'll make my mark on you?
A trace of me you can't undo?

Evidence of my love,
my lust,

and yours?

She doesn't know what to do.
The world has forced her on her knees
In front of you.
Leaving her with the pain of asking please.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to do it.
But she has no choice
besides reaching out her empty palms
full of shame.
Begging.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to ask
For things that should be offered.

Feel it start to rise
Addiction bares its large teeth
And sinks them in me

Out on the dark street
I try hard to outrun it
But it's not easy

Take many calm breaths
I am so close to reaching-
Just a bit farther

Then you say something
Jerkish and insensitive.
I'll write you nothing.

Be careful what you say,
Be careful how you act.
Cause if you make the wrong move
He might get mad.

He might get mad
And say he won't
be coming back,
You lost your one last chance.

So tiptoe carefully
And think before you speak
-keep your tongue in cheek.
Because he's holding back a lot
And he won't tolerate everything.
You get no free passes
to be how you want to be.

So be very cautious,
Pay attention to how you speak
Cause you just might lose
Your one last chance
And then
He'll leave.

"I want you to think about how many
more chances you have."
And at that point
I realized
that at some point
it will be one time too many
And you will decide
You're better off
and turn away
from me.
All these days I have been
believing that we
will stick it out no matter what.
Now
I realize
that is just me.

Well no wonder
You don't stand up
for me
and keep me
a secret.
Now I believe
that's all
I ever will be.

My rage from pain is growing
You do all this without knowing
How much it really hurts me,
How deadly consequences can be.

What's with all this silence?
It brings me to the brink of violence,
To breaking all my promises
Do you think it's really worth it?

In defense of all your pride
You're pushing my heart to the side.
Is this some kind of punishment
For one thing I shouldn't have said?

Well I'd be careful baby
You don't know what you're doing, maybe
You just don't know what's in store
-How dare you say "I love you more"!

You did something wonderful today.
After I stripped down...
You followed (birthday) suit!

my lips can
touch
in such a way
with yours

makes this
a beautiful place to be.

And now it's
"We need to talk to you."
It's
awkward giggles through the wall.
Other sounds,
I don't want to know
at all.
It's her
making breakfast
when she hasn't cooked in years.
It's him
walking in the door
when she's not even here.
It's
trying to avoid
awkward conversation
when I'm
high as a kite
put politeness is the expectation.
It's
things in the house
suddenly being fixed.
It's
extra noise when there should be silence.
It's
wondering if he'll try to be my "dad"
and if he steps out of line
you know I'll fight back.
It's
flattening my quills,
remind myself:
he's a different person.
I guess it's
hard to put a family back together
once it's broken.

      (or never even existed in the first place)

Often,
most of me is dark
and parts of me don't show.
But where your light
    is shed upon me:
                      I glow.

Though we may never touch
And the distance
sometimes grows
I know your light will shine
And the darkness will erode.

You are the sun, my steady constant.
And I, the moon that cycles round.
All these times of darkness
Are so worth the warmth I've found.

Although most the time
I'm dark and cold
That glimmer of light's
what's worth the show.

For where your light
    is shed upon me:
                        *I glow.

I wish I could be heading somewhere
Instead of peddling in place.
I wish I could get something back
Instead of what I'm giving go to waste.
How do I escape,
fly high above the birds and trees?
How is it I keep walking on
Instead of falling to my knees?
Set me free!
I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
But apparently if I'm not the right one
I'm not good enough for you to invite me.

I'm tired of all these people,
Of not being enough.
Of giving everything I can
And getting dust.
Getting to sit in the endless hours
While everyone has fun.
Apparently I'm not enough.
           Now just look at what I've done.

I know before
those words would have been
a blessed rainstorm
in a desert
but now
they seem a bit too much
like desperate measures.
I know before
those sweet three words
would be all I needed
But now my thirst
will only disperse
with something a bit sweeter,
a bit deeper
more than just some promise
of perfect love in the future.
the future is NOW,
my love.
my boat's slowly
drifting off to sea
and if you do not catch it soon
You may just miss out
on me...

Why was I so looking forward to this?
At least before, the smoke filled the emptiness.
There's no big change in being sober
Except for the fact that my frown won't turn over.
Now it seems only loneliness stayed
I can remember things better
    but who wants that anyway?
At least before I wanted to live.
I had something to live for,
    some comfort to get.
I would rather just forget my dreams
If it meant that I wouldn't always want
To rip at my seams
Till they bleed and they bleed
And I bleed no more.

Cause who really gives a **** anyway?

The fog slowly lifts
      but still my body calls for it:
                                    come back,
                                    come back.
I could not bring it even if I
                            wanted to
                       which I do
                          and don't
                  at the same time.
                                     come back,
                                     come back.
                   I know where it is at
       but I cannot reach for it
                             the fog
          that will dull the pain
                 that will distance me
                                     come back,
                                     come back.

the secret's out
the story's in
now for the real game
to begin

no sneaking round
our mouths hushed closed
been caught red handed,
palms exposed.

what will these things
come to now?
what are the new rules?
will I finally get what I deserve
or just to not see you?

Either way the jumbled lock
Has finally found its key
But what's behind this door, my friend?
Guess we'll see...

You think you can pull that **** on me
And still be "the one"?
You must be so blind, babe
If you can't see what you've done.

Don't start pushing buttons, dear
You might just push your luck
Cause I'm done playing games
And I'm done with being stuck.

You just might wanna back up
My wings take up some room
And you can bet that when I spread 'em
You won't treat me like a fool.

All this talk of suicide will
Make me go insane.
I've been around that block before
I can't take that drive again.

I don't mean to sound so callous
But you're upsetting my balance
So if you push too hard
I'd better warn you, I have talons.

Though I won't use them on you,
I will use them on myself.
I've got caverns in my mind
that look a lot like hell.

I want to spread my wings and fly
far from these caves inside my mind
So if you're not going to help
I'm gonna leave you far behind.

Alright?

you make me wonder
If I really am
As foolish as they say
If I am wasting
     All my love
On someone who can't
even see me
in the light of day.

Who are you
to play with me this way?
Who am I
to let you?

I'm tired
of everyday being an attack
I'm tired
of you
not being able to understand
I want to grow close
but you're pushing me away
And you justify
all those horrible things you say
by the ones I did
But baby
we're not going anywhere
If the past is always
next to you
We can't move forward
If we're constantly moving back.

everywhere
from all around I see
spiderwebs
entangling me
corners that I've neglected
to dust
come back
hauntingly
how do I break free?
take the sand
from my throat
and let these words bleed,
let my star shine
and my colors come out
LET ME SHOUT
let me tell all my tales
break past these walls
and I shall avail
LET ME FREE
to speak as I speak
to know how I think
and be proud
that I can speak-
though not aloud,
and be fine
that no one hears me.

I'm a dog
choking at the end
of my leash
A bird
trying to squeeze
through the bars in my cage
and be free
I can't argue
Can't speak
Can't write
For the life of me

I long for you
but I feel like I shouldn't.
He's been the kindness
That you couldn't
But you touched my soul
In a way
He never has.

You are the air
that I am breathing
Yet you choke me
And I feel as though
I'm suffocating
Trapped in an endless maze
Of need

How sad
That he is not the one
To whom I profess my love
Everynight while I am sleeping
That he is not the one
Who makes my heart stop beating
Just by the simple thought

Now I am stuck
In a prison I have built
With solid bars of fear
And a frozen floor of guilt
I am my own jailor
For I still hold the key
But I do not have the courage
or the surety
To make myself free

And so I sit

My choices have drained me
of my words
my freedom
my self.

Want to hold you so close
But I'm stuck, they say
Love one but not both
I cannot seem to love that way

I miss both of you with
so much intensity
how can you compare
two beautiful souls
two human beings?
Choose?
Why must I pick what feels wrong
Even though
It is what feels right?
Because the other feels just
as wrong.

Maybe I'll bury my head underwater
Try not to think
About decisions
As bubbles escape
from my nose.



Cannot settle on
Such shaky surfaces.

I hate that the words
Don't come anymore.
I despise how desire
Has fled.

I cannot create anything,
No inspiration,
No relief.

Nothing releases me.
And I'm stuck
In the empty nothingness.

Numbers on the paper
Fall flat inside my head.
I can't seem to calculate
a single word he said.

Algebra's not much my style.
You cannot write a book
with numbers, fractions, percentages
of which I would want to look.

My father's big on math sense.
His goal to make me see
the greatness of these numbers
which, simply, cannot be.

So sit up in front, if you wish,
I'll take a seat in back.
Hiding behind Big Joe
With a book laid in my hands.

I must choose
Between my father's happiness
                     and mine.
Knowing all is in good cause
But lifting a finger to say
Just cause I've been raised
By this man,
In this house,
On this bridge,
For connections of heart,
I have to
Am expected to
Make the same decision?

They make sponges of young
Take advantage
And force them to believe
Make them go to church
Of the same religion
that befalls
of their parents.
etc.

But I am a free heart
destined to make my
own choice
My mother saved me
from this prison,
This brainwashing
So I will defend my right.
I see the looks of
dissapointment.
But in my mother's eyes
there is triumph.

Then I fall back to:

"You are my last chance
of not being a failure
as a father."