I still can’t figure out why I left a note, my notion is that things should not be left unexplained.

But a note doesn’t calm things down, not a bland wind not a hurricane. And I would have known, had I paid attention,

To how your heart breaks,
From all the silence and noise altogether.

I’ll wake up 60 years later and write,
I’ll wake up feeling death at its verge,
Tasting joy being bitter and loneliness being sweet.

remember when you said you took two years writing only a part of that book?
i think, that was how i felt when you told me you buried the bookmark i made for you. i don't remember why, sorry, but i remembered that you did that.
the bookmark didn't take one night to be done, it took a lot of effort and time and inner fights that i had with myself.
it hurts when someone throw away something you've spent all your heart doing it.
i hope these lessons are the ones you'll make as a building block of a stronger you.

When your footsteps falter and slip
Hold on to me
If your eyes fill with tears
And the future seems blurred and distant
I'll be there to take your hand
You may not see me
But you'll feel me there
Right beside you
Always
So hold on to me

                        By Phil Roberts

And so I was foolish enough to believe that I knew everything
At least about this one thing
That you and I were destined for something greater then anything I had ever dreamed,
That your high rise state of mind would ballance out my desire to settle,
I would love with a ferocity I had never shown in anything
I would hold one truth apparent above all others that life would be lived not as one but two,
And I had the ring to prove it,
I guess we'll never know which knee to bend down first
Because life isn't always fair and it isn't everyone who cares,
And I wish I had the depth of character and the state of mind to climb outside of the walls my mind has hid behind,
It's a terrifying place to be at this time of night.
And it's these truths I hold to be evident in light of the current circumstances,
Love is a sham,
I've said it before and I'll say it again
Love is the most destructive force known to man.

at almost-19, i saw many old couples shopping for their necessities by themselves. slowly pushing the trolley while squinting at the long piece of paper from afar. at the food court queuing for food and took the longest time to make a decision on what to eat and ends up sharing the same meal.
i am amazed how Allah blessed their age with such strong wills whilst i am struggling and complaining about the hardships i'm facing when i have not even reach 19 years of age.

at almost-19, i like to observe and think a lot, especially around kids and old people and how they do their basic things like walking, eating, holding a mug and especially how they write. i like how the elderly pays their full attention to the things they do until they become lost in the act. and i also like how little children are so clumsy and carefree. they can run around making circles and still laugh despite the dizziness they are feeling.

at almost-19, i realized how poets are sometimes liars.

at almost-19, i learnt that everyone is brought up differently and we are here to appreciate each others' differences and make a good thing out of it.

at almost-19, i feel very grateful that Allah has called me back and i wish to stay firmly on this path.

at almost-19, i realized how we plan and Allah decides. what will happen is the ones we least expect - especially life issues. those that we can only learn through experience not fables.

at almost-19, i found the calmness of life without gadgets, without social medias, etc. i understood how maturity isn't measured with age but it is with how you deal with your age.

at almost-19, i took the responsibility of being an adult in an all-girls' school. i was like their biggest sister - their mom. they depended on me a lot. they couldn't make up their own decisions just yet, they needed the assurance that they are good enough - it is okay to make mistakes (you'll learn from it, it is not  waste). they needed someone to guide them.

at almost-19, so near, i realised how we are always alone in this world. people will come into our lives, and leave. no one will stay. everyone will be chasing their own dreams and goals and you are just one little chapter in their lives. but that sad fact shouldn't make you feel down or gloomy as your presence in their life could be one golden ticket in their lives. stay strong

at almost-19, i noticed how i am a burden to most of the people i know. i get sick, i can't help people and they helped me instead. and i will never, ever have the chance to thank them as i might be too weak for that.

at 11-days-to-19, my emotions were disturbed. my feelings were strong. i feel lonely - my strongest weakness.

at 8-days-to-19, i believed in myself that i can move on and start a new book. but today, i failed. everything came back. how it started, how it reached to its peak, how your comforting words were my favorite and it was also the ones that broke me, left me hanging without a closure. the closure was got later, after a long time of thinking,i guess. it took that much time to break apart the ship we built and promised to take care and you said you stumbled upon another boat. i swear to god i cannot imagine how you were able to do such an act of selfishness and unkind. despite all of that, i still treasure our friendship. i am okay, this is just one of the days that i break.

at near-19 (less than 24 hours), i noticed how stubborn and angry i am at myself. i kept reminding myself that nothing, NOTHING, is ever okay if you are still awake after 2am. things just roll downhill from here.

at 19-years old, i am starting to appreciate every second that i spent talking to Allah - which He allows me to do so, He called me. i love the calmness i feel when i am able to pray in peace and recite the quran as if there is no one around me. i am in love with my Creator.

and I wish to meet Him very soon.