When I look at you,
I see the frustration in your liver,
I notice the lack of fight in your lungs and I see stutter of your heart.
You don't deserve to die, so stop trying to. You don't see it but I stare right through you.
Unload your weapons
before your lungs stop swinging.

The wind is winding up to knock the air out of me, this is not a drill I repeat this is not a drill.
I pulled the fire alarm by not taking my medicine on purpose.
It just rubs me the right way to be able to ruin myself for one whole day.
Breaking my own neck to see if anybody is looking at me, ripping off my own nails trying to crawl away from the sickness in my head.
Its already got me.
In all reality this is a walk in the park.
I've been here before, I've felt this before.
But that's just too easy.
I've got to stay on my toes when my feet are nailed to the ground.
When I was younger I didn't know of emotions or how to control them, now they control me.
There's a dog fight going on in my head and I'm on the outside ramming my head against the wall begging them to stop, please just stop.
I believe dogs are better then most people and hearing them trying to die because they were taught to makes me sick.  
I don't have to see it, I am the animals.
Killing myself because I was taught by myself to win by dying.
I'm taking a walk in the park while a dying mutt hangs onto my neck trying to win.
This is happening while everybody else is happening but inside me
there is
so
much
more
then
something
just
happening.

I allowed you to come onto my level.
You never came down.
You wrote me one letter when I was being punished for trying to ****** myself.
One letter.
I was your god, taking you from reality, making you swallow this smoke.
It swallowed me,
Smoke detectors were going off in my head,
I chose to sit in the fire and load another bowl.
Some boy came and put the fire out.
Saved my melting hair and sorta kind of made me love the skin I'm in.
We're on two different levels, I'm just waiting for you to come down.

I've got more branches so it's ok if you hang on to me.
At least I'm keeping your head up with the help of your rope just hang on you'll be ok.


No.

No please keep breathing I know I've got a hold of only your neck but you're the one who hung yourself on me.

He didn't tell me
Pucker up,
kiss your life goodbye, you know it wont stay.
He told me how to
Enhale the right way.

I'm four years old searching for bugs, lizards and frogs then putting them in boxes because I wanted to be like god.
They never lived long.
I buried my pet frog then dug him up to see what death really looked like.
I'm eight years old getting baptized in holy water, my uncle puts me under. They say all my sins have been washed away but I still feel the same. My dad wore his suit and walked like God.

I'm twelve years old behind home plate wearing my battle gear and scabbed knees, look dad! Did you see that catch?  I thought it was beautiful. He says I'm leader of the team.
I'm fifteen years old being swept in to this strong boys arms. All I wanted was my dad. He never taught me the different between a boy and a man.
I'm fifteen and a half, sitting at the park high, pathetically high. My lungs are cussing me out right about now.

I'm fifteen and three quarters being sent to rehab for trying to die because of a boy that was nothing close to being a man.
He left me with ******* in my system


I'm sixteen years old and I found myself a man. He's my NA meeting whenever I need it. He reminds me of my dad.

I used to tie knots in my dad's shoe laces when he came over, so he could stay for a minute longer.
I'd block the door until he raised his voice, then strain to hear his truck pull away.
Fishing line,
Hospital tubes,
And that belt I tried to ****** myself with last October have made knots that he could of untied.
But I never invited him to come over.