I wish upon a star,
To brighten my day and sweeten my dreams,
I wish upon a star,
To awaken me every morning to a better day,
I wish upon a star,
To take away all the pain in this world,
I wish upon a star,
To heal all this illness and death,
I wish upon a star,
But that wish never comes true.

No matter how big or how small it never comes true,
My day Is never sweet nor bright and never is the pain gone or the illness and death healed.
Never dose it come true for wishes do not work nor do miracles.

I still wish in the vain hope that one day someone's wish comes true, no matter how big or how small we all deserve a wish or two.

secrets,
mysteries,
dishonesty,
misleading,
illusions,

all of this words mean a lot to me,
i've used all of them,
had them used on me,
but most of all i understand them,

understanding is the most important,
because its not just about seeing when they have been used,
but how to use them to protect yourself,
protect your heart and mind,
your soul and your life,

there will be times when you need to mislead people so you are safe,
times when you need to keep secrets so others are not hurt,
but also when to tell a secret or break one open,

but understanding is more than that,
its about seeing that no matter what you do,
it will be painful,
it will make you cold inside,
and it will change you.

secrets,
mysteries,
dishonesty,
misleading,
illusions,

all­ of this are important,
to see,
to use,
to understand.

life is hard, life is tough, secrets hurt but they also protect, mysteries surround every person we have to break and untangle them, dishonesty is hard and nasty but is needed in a world where every one leads us astray, misleading is every where we need to understand how to find the right path, and finally illusions are simple yet complex we use them to hide our pain but we get hurt by the through out our life.

for us to live,
to see,
to be free,
we need to understand,
to be set free.

Lost in a never ending spiral,
A rabbit hole with no end,
Spinning out of control,
No end,
Just falling firths and deeper into madness,
Going,
Going,
And gone,

Lost forever.

A moment of joy,
A spark of something more,
A bolt of happiness,

But then the sudden realisation,
The pain returns,
The sorrow of what could have been,
The what could haves,
The shoulds,

That momeant of joy,
Turns to a life time of sadness.

The need to forget,
Is like an addiction,
An unbelievable pain,
There's nothing like it,

I need it gone,
I need to forget it all,
I want it to become the mist from the morning,
The smoke from a cigarette disappearing Ito the sky,
Like magic abracadabra and it's gone,

I need it all gone,
Like feeling the high of nicotine,
The rush of being free,
Even if it is just for a few seconds,
To become disembodied and let it all float away,

The need to forget,
Is like an addiction,
One that I can never fulfil.

People tell me to calm down,
Calm down getting angry won't help,
Calm down the tears arnt gonna bring her back,
Calm down getting frustrated won't get it done,

What if I don't want to calm down,
What if I want to let go of calm,
See where it takes me,
Calm calm down for what,
For pain,
Loss,
Sadness,
Calm down for what,

It's like everyone says calm down,
Like it's magic and will make it all better,
When I calm down it dosnt make it better,
It makes it worse makes me think of all the things,
That I did wrong,
Of all the bad memories,
Of all the bad times,

What if letting to of calm,
Means I can be free,
Free to live life like I should,

Because to me to stay calm,
Is to put your self in prison,
A prison made by everyone else,

Staying calm is not what it seems.

This isn't really a poem at all this is what i go through every night.

im standing on a long narrow path, i can feel the cobbles underneath my feet, they are uneven and cold to the touch. I know thats its night time but there is no moon and no stars, just black, dark and cold. I start to move forward on the cobbled street but as i move forward i hear a scarping sound behind me i turn round slowly my whole body shaking cold sweat running down my skin, what i see frightens me, all i see is a face and a dark shadow covered body, the face is moving darkness tendrils of shadows moving across his face, he has eyes like burning embers i can almost see the smoke escaping his eyes, he has horns dark black like a rams horns poking through his darkness, he starts to laugh and when i see his mouth its full of the faces of people i know but they are on fire screaming the skin melting off there bones the arms and hands outstretched reaching for help but there is none there, i'm stuck just standing there i can move i cant run away as he turns his eyes on me boring into my soul seeing me for who i am and ripping my memories apart bring up the ones i buried he laugh he's enjoying it,  he moves forward grasping me with his hands the tendrils of shadows holding me still i cant breath i cant move, he moves closer to me his hands grow claws sharp as razors he digs them into me i feel be flesh tear i scream but he dosn't stop he just laughs at me saying to me that i'm pathetic, worthless, he digs further with his claws i now feel my blood pumping down my arms down my legs i cant stop it i can't move, he just laughs at me goading me i scream more and more till my throat cracks and nothing comes out, he looks at me and just drops me, i get up he looks at me and smiles i run as fast as i can running for my life, i turn back to and see hundred of eyes like his each one holding a painful memory of mine reminding me of it pulling at me, i run but they are always behind me they all laugh and again i see the people i know in pain and i cant do anything, i keep running my lungs burn my legs feel like dead wights but i don't stop i keep going one foot in front of the other, the the cobbles fall away and fall through the air and hit hard flat ground i look up but its just darkness i know i'm in a tunnel i can feel it sense it i stop running i take a deep breath but then i feel my skin tear all along my back and he's there smiling again i run the blood running freely down my back now, as i'm running i hear a sound one that made me stop from fear a scream that chilled my soul and rattle my bones so high pitched it hurt me to listen, but it didn't stop i carried on i felt my ear drums burst and blood dribble down my neck from it, i fall too my knees clutching my head to stop the sound stop the pain, as soon as my knees hit the floor theres a thunderclap and the walls and celling crack, the walls fall on me cracking my bones the tear through my skin my muscles rip and my vain's burst i can only feel pain the celling collapses trapping me my intestines rupture my lungs pop, i can feel it all happening, i scream for help but no ones there, i scream till my throat bleeds but no one hears me, i can see them  the demons laughing, i can see the people who i thought would helping standing on top of where i'm buried they do not notice they just walk away. i start to grow cold and weak my eyes are shutting the last of my strength escapes me and then as i'm about to die.

i wake up.


This happens every night.