The sun streams through the patio doors and
I watch a spider building its web outside the window above the sink,
I heard birdsong, I count three different ones
(I’m no david attenborough, I don’t know what they are).

A shadow cuts across the light as a bird flies to settle on the roof and the man painting our hallway
Leaves,

“You’ll have some peace this afternoon.”
He says halfway out the door.
I smile. Yes, peace.
Thinking everything and nothing at the same time,
But not feeling the heavy weight of sadness that
Nestles in my chest more days than not.
Peace.
I guess my mum was right,
I do feel better when it’s sunny.
Must be the vitamin d.

I wouldn’t call us a party.
It was at the beginning,
But not any more.
You don’t acknowledge my
Existence any more,
But never mind.
There’s always another party,
Always an excuse to dance.

You won’t reply to any message i send
So i guess there’s nothing more to do.

Sometimes I think about what it would take for you to reply,
Whether i should do something really stupid
To see if you care.
But then i remember that
Doing that is awful and manipulative and

******* messed up.

I miss your presence in my life,
Reading posts on social media
Isn’t the same.
You do seem to be doing better,
Without me.

Maybe i am a toxic person after all.
Why else would you have cut me out of your life?

I still ******* care about you.
Trying to find an excuse to message you,
Even though I know you won’t reply.
My friends are getting sick of me
Crying over this,
I’m sick of it too to be honest.
I just don’t know what’s best,
Yknow?
Maybe we just can’t ever talk again,
There’s a part of me that wants to go back in time
And never message you that first time.
But I did.
And here we are.

The amount of **** you’ve put me through ******* hurts and yet I still care about you.
I wish I didn’t care about you, it would make me stop thinking you’ll actually come back. I know you won’t but there’s a part of me that hopes that I mean enough to you to make you want to ever talk to me again, but I know that’s not the case.
This is the worst I’ve ever felt and it’s worse because you meant so much to me. I told you stuff I’ve never told anyone, you made me feel safe and listened to and that things were going to be okay but it was all for nothing. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to ever think you were different and actually gave a ****.

I feel like a part of me is dying.
You won’t reply to my messages.
You seem better without me.
I’m worthless and toxic and I’m sorry.

Looks like this is it then.