your mind is heaven to the manic devils
a playground is formed cause by havoc
what fun they have, shooting their arrows
to deflate your every happy thought

the heart's been struck by a glacier storm
impaled so deep it leaves you numb
broken, tired, ripped apart and torn
thrown and tossed to the ******* dump

like anger banging down the door
exploding like a volcano eruption
a surge of waves crashing to the shore
a tsunami rising to cause destruction

your thoughts will fly in a tornado
at nights when all you wanna do is sleep
blood has scattered across the white snow
you're cold, you're about to admit defeat

trembling, you're shaking, like an earthquake
falling, stumbling, into the cracks
but then! a rest at the eye of the hurricane
recover, before the devils come back

Prologue //
Love is a myth and we are broken records of repeated mistakes. There is no point chasing after something that doesn't exist, and you can put the pieces of a broken vase together again but it will never be the same.


Chapter One //
I played it cool, but deep down, I wanted to know how perfect would feel like with your lips on mine. I craved for your touch like the night yearning for the moon.


Chapter Two //
I spent days trying to find the perfect way to ask you out after our first kiss for you were a map to hidden treasure, and I wanted to be the first to find it. You had that glow, and I fell in love with the way you could make my heart race with just a simple "hi"


Chapter Three //
I burned every novel in the world that told me love was only a state of the mind, an illusion. Because I could have sworn I saw you in my dream, but there you were, even when I'm wide awake.


Chapter Four //
The sun had set but why was it still so bright? That was when I realized it wasn't the sun, but you. The light you carried blinded me and all I could see was you. My voice trembled and I squeaked out a shaky "Be mine?"


Chapter Five //
You said "yes".


Chapter Six //
I thought I was the only one who felt like we were growing distant until we were oceans apart. Or maybe we were both living on the other side of the mirror.


Chapter Seven //
Our greed had left a painful scar, now I gotta let you go. I was sure this was the end for the both of us.


Chapter Eight //
My heart refused to say goodbye even though my mouth already did.


Chapter Nine //
The clock struck 12:00AM on the 13th of that month. Immediately, regrets flowed like an erupted volcano and pride killed me slowly for the next 23 hours, 59 minutes. I made a mistake.


Chapter Ten //
You took me back in a heartbeat and I carved a promise in my heart to burn my greed in the flames of your love


Epilogue //
Time forgot to tell me that promises are dust meant to be swept away and that it is useless to attempt to catch smoke. But my love will still be aflamed, even if I have to remove traces of my footprints from your heart

(n.)
a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that has been loved and then lost


January //
Your smile makes flowers grow in my lungs and I'm too busy taking care of the garden, pulling the weeds out for the flowers to live and bloom, I forget I need to breathe too


February //
They say addiction is a habit; kisses are drugs but your lips are rehabilitation and I keep coming back for more sessions because I need it; you're my "personal brand of ******"


March //
I write symphonies about the way a single touch from you defines the revolution of the Earth but I was wrong; it actually defines the whole galaxy


April //
My eyes are the same hue of empty, vacant, while the ocean is trapped in your eyes; there are more than meet those chocolate orbs, so let me explore every depth of the waters with you


May //
Your voice is the sound of the soft pitter-patter of the falling rain on the window pane after a storm, and the clouds don't hide the sun anymore


June //
I love the smell of books and coffee, especially with extra teaspoons of sugar and a story about looking for a place to call home as I long for the scent of belonging I only get from having you wrapped in my arms


July //
I fell in love with the way every novel I read has pages with traces of your footprints, your mark imprinted in my heart like how one is drawn to TFIOS; heartbreaking and tear-filled but it was true and the love is real, sort of like you and I; I like to think of it like that — you are Hazel and I am Augustus


August //
I don't believe in full-stops, I don't believe there could be an end to this love we have like how there is an end to a sentence; you might not have noticed that there is not a single full-stop here because our story is not ending, I'm not saying goodbye yet, and Augustus has not died yet; please do not leave me

It's only at nights when I start feeling lonely
Only at nights when it gets overwhelming
I miss those nights, so real, so true
I miss those times it was just me and you

I still cry to sleep almost every night
I wish you were here to hold me right
Sometimes in my dreams, I'd see you there
Almost as though you're real, I swear

When I dream of you, you seem so far
Missing you has left me a big scar
I called out your name but got no reply
Still I shout, until my throat goes dry

I don't hear your voice of comfort no more
But I shut people out, closing that door
I don't need them for you were all I need
Yet, in reality, who do I kid?

We used to dance under the moonlight
We'd look up to the starry night
A part of you will always have my heart
You light up my world even in the dark

I miss the times you'd hold me tight
And kiss my forehead after every single fight
I loved the way you made me happy
And showed me things I never could see

I miss those hugs and I really miss that smile
I miss the way you drove me crazily wild
Thinking of you used to help me get through
Now thinking of you just makes me feel blue

I lay awake at nights, wondering, what if?
Because right now I'm falling off a cliff
What if you were still alive and well?
You'd be able to pull me out of this hell

Memories of us now seemed like a nightmare
I'd wake up and find myself gasping for air
You're taunting me, you're making me feel weak
Stuff my mouth in my pillow to muffle my shriek

I hate feeling like this, hate what you did
It's not your fault still I blame you for it
I can't sleep because I'm afraid you'll appear
And just when I reach out, you'll disappear

There's this hollow feeling I feel now
You're not here to keep me safe and sound
Hypnophobia is the fear of sleeping
For when I try, I feel like I'm choking

Empty.
It's just a word.
A word that means 'without anything'.
 
Like my heart.
Like my home.
Empty.
 
Left with nothing
Like a hole
Without a soul
 
Once was filled
But now it's gone
Empty
 
In the dark
All alone
By yourself
 
Without a sound
In the cold
Left to die
 
Empty.

i ask you to be patient

there are still cracks between my ribcage
i am trying to fix
and i am still searching for ways to mend
my broken, tattered wings

there are parts of me like missing puzzle pieces
i'm still trying to find
and i own many things, yet if there's one thing
i do not own, that would be time

again, i must ask you to be patient

at times my head is a storm of emotions;
thunder and lightning are all i hear
at times i will play a game of hide and seek
yet it's not you i hide from but my fears

i'm the girl who wears her heart on her sleeves
yet i hide behind closed doors
the kind who smiles bright like fire
though she crumbles in ashes to the floor

once more, please be patient

wait; i promise you'll see the masterpiece i am
for i am of many dimensions
and through my eyes, you will see
my thoughts as the stars made into constellations

i am the galaxy, and i am infinite
a firework, a work of art
all i ask is for you to be patient and stay
to see past the pain darkening my heart