i knew im ****** up the moment i imagined how our perfect first date would look like

ill definitely bring you in a zoo because i wanted to hear you talk about the things you love
your passion in loving and caring for these creatures
i wanna see your eyes sparkle through that

or maybe ill bring you in a peaceful place
because i know how bothered your mind is most of the time
from all the responsibilities you juggle in your everyday life
i want to give you peace

or maybe we will study together?
stare at the skies?
maybe watch a movie or two?
or anything

anything could actually work
as long as it's with you
i know it'll be perfect

like sunsets
may we be reminded
that endings are supposed to be beautiful
if it isn't
then it is not the end yet

i used to know love
and recognize him so fast
even with eyes closed
i am familiar with his scent
even if he's wearing a different cologne
i can name all his tiny gestures
still spots his voice
amidst a loud crowd
i can find love so easily

but after almost two years of not meeting love
i am no longer sure how love looks like
i cannot tell if he has long hair
or maybe he likes it clean?
does he have a very deep voice
or a soft one maybe?
is he shy
or is he confident enough?
i am not sure really

or perhaps this time
love should be the one to recognize me

i have to say
that i am proud of you
for getting that courage
to pull yourself out
of the darkness that embraces you every day
it must have been hard
but here you are moving forward

if I could have
a wish to a wishing star
ill wish the ability
to love myself
the way I love you

i havent had the courage
to do things
for quite some time
i cant write
cant work
cant move forward
that sometimes
even breathing
seems too hard

honey–
there's no need to wait
for you are love itself
there's no need to search
just let it flow
without hesitations
shower everyone with love
but remember to keep some for yourself
and when someone arrives
you'll realize
there is more to love
that we can ever imagine

is happiness a goal we ought to achieve
or a choice that led us chase our dreams?
do we achieve greater things in order to be happy
or are we happy that we continue our fantasy?

drowning in my own sea of sadness
i kept gasping for air
screaming for help
but i have nowhere to go
and nobody to hold

maybe ill just stay here
just drown myself more

i've always wanted to write more
but i am here
gasping for words
overwhelmed by poetries
drowned in my thoughts

You taught me how to hold a pen and turn my emotions into words like never before. How to create metaphors and play with words that I never did before we met.

You made it easy for me to write a poem by simply staring at the vast galaxy in your eyes and listening to your voice. I can visualize my love for you by simple putting it into words and utter those for you to hear my prose.

You turned me into what I am right now. An aspiring writer. A poetess wanna be. Someone who shed tears and used them as ink in every piece. Someone who bleeds metaphors from the deepest emotion that I feel.

But now, everything has changed.

You taught me how to break my favorite pen. How to shatter my papers into pieces, breaking all the poems I made and never try to bring them back.

You made it hard for me to write another piece. For simply staring at you makes me want to forget every stroke I made in those paper. Hearing your name breaks my heart into pieces that I can't even utter a words to defend myself.

You made me hate those poems and never dare to write again because it's you that I remember everytime I write a poem or even a single prose. You made me shed tears and use my pen to make myself bleed, leaving scars in my wrist.

You taught me how to write made me hate writing at the same time.

i used to be so afraid
of what lies ahead in the future
but as i age i tell myself
to wherever and whoever i will be
i am sure it's gonna be right

you were that dream
who made me fear
the idea of falling asleep
and made me burst into tears
everytime i wake up

amidst those night
you are with me
and my calm soul
sleeping so soundly

you were the dream
i considered bad
but with you i know—
i am safe & sound

if you want me to
ill go and take the stars
out of the sky
just for you

you are not asking for too much
no, you are not
maybe he is just not the right person
because the right one for you
will go even through the depths of hell
just to give you whatever he can
and he will love you
so much
that you will regret
asking your past
the least he can give.

when life seems too tough
remember to look back
and see how far you made
in this journey of life
give yourself a smile
some pat on your shoulder
and whisper to yourself
"you are doing great,
tomorrow is another chance to be better"

i want to thank you
give a pat on your head
and a warm tight hug
for all the times you chose not to jump

those days you felt like nothing's gonna work
moments you cannot see your worth
the battles you fought alone
and times you cannot find your home
silent cries at night in your room
with no one to hold
only yourself to lose

thank you for giving another day a chance
thank you for not giving up
thank you for all the times you chose not to jump

"kiss me like how you kiss the sky
shine for me like how you do every night
twinkle like how you always do
guide me as i walk towards you
and i promise to love thee
explore your soul like how i explore the sea
forever 'til eternity"

-
the oath of the fish to her beloved star

oh to love
and be loved
must be fascinating
wonderful
spectacular
to give your all
and receive the best
oh it must be nice
it must be warm

i used to promise
to a poet within
"i will write a book
promise you'll be happy
for sure you'll be amused!"
so i wrote
and i wrote
and i wrote
but slowly my words
started to die
poems are dead
now i am unhooked
i cannot write
like how i used to before
i know i am done
i am done
and i am done
the poet within
is now out of tune
out of tune

i am alone
staring at the ceiling from my bed
thoughts swirling
i cant get it out of my head
nightmares crawling
slowly but harsh
despite my eyes open
from nightmares i am trying to hide
i kept running and hiding
either asleep or awake they kept on hunting
i am seeking for help
silently im dying

when you call her love
do i ever cross your mind?
how we exchanged wishes to the ocean and sky above
that may we meet one day hug each other tight

when you call her love
do i ever cross your mind?
how i wrote poems for you
and how you also make one for your sweet reply

when you call her love
do i ever cross your mind?
because that love used to be me
i am once your galaxy, once your sunshine

what is the poet's purpose
if it forgets how to write?
how can the poet continue to breathe
without words in his mind
poems out of reach

...but the actual problem is that
i still write about you
you are still the sun in the sky
shining brightly in the morning
and setting so beautifully at dawn
yours is still the deepness of the ocean
i want to explore and dive into
you are still my 11:11 wish
the daydream i always miss
you are still the metaphor in every piece—
you are still the metaphor in every piece

i hope you realize
how precious
you are
whenever you wear
that smile