Jul 2014
I do not know what is happening to me right now… I have been having perverse and warped physical reactions to the flashbacks that are spilling out of me. I feel like I am suffocating…I cannot swallow… I cannot breathe - I am too drained to fight it.
Still convinced I have to do it on my own I stumbled around the house. I walked around the kitchen, talking myself through each step, picking things up and telling myself what I was holding and seeing…this is my house, this is my kitchen, this is my desk, this is an envelope with my name on it…my phone bill – I am an adult, I am a wife, a mother, a friend…How crazy does that sound? I had to talk out loud to keep him away from hurting me again.
I do not remember what happened after that – a couple of hours later I woke up on my bedroom floor. A complete mess.
What am I so scared of? Why can I not snap out of it???
It is all so warped and cruel. Experiences like ****** abuse and **** do more than just bump into us in the night…they critically wound us, sometimes fatally. Every single ounce of our being is ripped to shreds, our souls shattered. And we are left to pick up the pieces of what never should have been ~ angry…hurt…sad…hopeless…traumatized…full of shame and unable to trust anyone enough to talk about it.
Does anyone who has not been there really understand how traumatic and painful it is to hold all of this inside because of the fear of being told to ‘get over it’, or ‘shut up and behave’ or ‘It wouldn’t be so traumatic if you stayed in the present moment and out of the past’….so many secrets…so many years…so much energy it takes to keep it all in and ‘act normal’. Does anyone understand how much it hurts to be told 'oops - sorry, it's after 10 now - you will be abandoned so make a different choice.' It’s exhausting…But exhaustion feels like the better choice...rather than being abandoned. And that's why I no longer reach out for help. That's why she once again hides. Because she was hurt time and time again...and now she's too scared. Now, like then, 'in the face of expected abandonment...she makes a different choice.'
Maybe I am just too traumatized to ever fully trust anyone. What if that is really my 'truth'? Please do not let it continue tonight. I am too tired...I am so scared and tired.
Still convinced I have to do it on my own I stumbled around the house. I walked around the kitchen, talking myself through each step, picking things up and telling myself what I was holding and seeing…this is my house, this is my kitchen, this is my desk, this is an envelope with my name on it…my phone bill – I am an adult, I am a wife, a mother, a friend…How crazy does that sound? I had to talk out loud to keep him away from hurting me again.
I do not remember what happened after that – a couple of hours later I woke up on my bedroom floor. A complete mess.
What am I so scared of? Why can I not snap out of it???
It is all so warped and cruel. Experiences like ****** abuse and **** do more than just bump into us in the night…they critically wound us, sometimes fatally. Every single ounce of our being is ripped to shreds, our souls shattered. And we are left to pick up the pieces of what never should have been ~ angry…hurt…sad…hopeless…traumatized…full of shame and unable to trust anyone enough to talk about it.
Does anyone who has not been there really understand how traumatic and painful it is to hold all of this inside because of the fear of being told to ‘get over it’, or ‘shut up and behave’ or ‘It wouldn’t be so traumatic if you stayed in the present moment and out of the past’….so many secrets…so many years…so much energy it takes to keep it all in and ‘act normal’. Does anyone understand how much it hurts to be told 'oops - sorry, it's after 10 now - you will be abandoned so make a different choice.' It’s exhausting…But exhaustion feels like the better choice...rather than being abandoned. And that's why I no longer reach out for help. That's why she once again hides. Because she was hurt time and time again...and now she's too scared. Now, like then, 'in the face of expected abandonment...she makes a different choice.'
Maybe I am just too traumatized to ever fully trust anyone. What if that is really my 'truth'? Please do not let it continue tonight. I am too tired...I am so scared and tired.
