I remember when I walked to my first day
of seventh grade
and having a panic attack
because I wouldn't know anyone
and my mouth always closed up around people


I remember when I passed out 2nd period in 8th grade
because I hadn't eaten anything
and how the next day
all the girls made a circle around me
to ask questions
because now I was interesting
since there was something wrong with me


I remember being "voted" the 3rd ugliest girl in my class
by all the boys
who thought it was funny
but even funnier that my two only friends
were the 1st and 2nd

I remember going home and looking at myself
and realizing I had never considered myself as anything
but cute or pretty
being ugly had never come to mind
until then

I remember the first time I was called beautiful
by a boy who wanted to kiss me
and I remember how being beautiful
ended when he no longer wanted to kiss me

I remember how I used another boy
to make myself beautiful again
because if someone wants to kiss me
                                                              ­    I must be worth something


I remember all of this
and I look forward to
when I can remember these things
and smile and shake my head
                                                            ­    because they don't hurt anymore.