where to begin

there is so much ******* pain
lined up inside me
like layers of skin
i have layers of pain

so much unsorted trauma
lying in my chest, mind, heart
my soul
it aches for growth, but
i am still figuring out the trauma part

i am not who i am born into
i am not the things that have happened to me
i am not the people who have hurt me

i am Me
i am my Self
I am Grace
i am strong

i have been hurt
but the weight of the pain has become
too heavy to drag around
i must dump the body

the body of trauma that lay inside me
fare ******* well

i am not required to forgive you
and for now i cannot
for you have sinned much more,
far, far, far more than forgiveness could erase

ten fold
i hope the horrible
terrible
evil
things you’ve committed

i hope they come down raining
ten fold
on your stupid ******* head
since you don’t get the picture

and here i will sit
while you writhe in suffering
disowning your evilness
rather than facing it head on
swords up
cutting through the thick disgust

but you ******* cower
like the ******* you are
you feel no remorse
you find pleasure in the pain of others
and for that
let bygones be bygones

i trust.
for your troubles are out of my hands
the things you’ve done to me
they are out of my hands
i will try to forgive,
oh but i will never ******* forget

i fill my hands with what i deserve
i fill my hands with love
i fill my hands with abundance
i fill my hands with peace

i let you go now
you no longer have a place in my life
holding on much longer will not suffice