i was sitting here searching for how to do something mundane. worklike. syncing accounts. trying to find passwords. downloading data.
i sprinkled eucalyptus around earlier to try to make myself feel better.
i lit a candle and everything and even pretend made my bed. cranked the air conditioning. so i could cool off. and calm down. and r e s t.
i took 2 dove milk chocolates and ice cold water to my room. i just wanted to watch Stargate Atlantis and go to sleep.
lazily mining for data half paying attention and suddenly an intergalactic time portal opened up before my eyes. and boom. (i'm here again) in this place of so much l o v e my heart pounding as if no time has gone by. as if you had just come around the corner and i see your face again for the first time.
literally tachycardia a loss of all logic a stupid, stupid grin my body shaking in anticipation of hearing your voice.
by accident. gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte and year, after year, after y e a r and no matter which one i choose,
i find pieces of you. funny little pieces. big, honest pieces. secret pieces. my pieces.
tears are streaming d o w n my face but i don't care because it is the only time i can remember what it was like.
to be a different person. in a different time. to overlap with you.
every click and swipe songs artworks words photos texts
the reaching and the r e t r e a t i n g. the coming together and the sudden f a ll in g a p art
all neatly in chronological order like i'm reading my own story. but seeing it from the outside. the entire picture. and i can see where i was wrong i n t e n s e younger and stupider and flailing.
but i have always seen you. always from the very first moment. you were like an assault but in a cosmic sense. and at the same time a peaceful, serene, beautiful, rare combination of atoms and ****.
and i don't think something like that could ever happen again. i can't even imagine it, and imagining is the only thing i'm good at.
curse the interwebs, saving all this **** i didn't even realize. and thought was lost.
but also thank you, google overlord.
i think it's ok to cry about loving someone, and missing someone so so so so much.
because nothing matters more than being honest about your love.
and then i looked out my window in despair and i saw a crescent moon.