It always seems so close.
Close enough where you can feel the warmth of love.
Close enough where you can hear the sounds of peace.
Close enough where you can smell the scent of serenity
Close enough where you can see those you love smiling at your face.
Close enough where you can taste your best memories as if for the first time.
Close enough…


But then you’re dragged back down that dark tunnel.


Love turns to enmity.
Peace turns into chaos.
Serenity turns into turmoil.
Smiles turn to sneers.
Memories become bittersweet.
The spoken words are nearly always the cause…


The warmth is lost.
The words replaced them with daggers in my stomach.
The peace is lost,
The words replaced them with sorrow in my soul.
The serenity is lost.
The words replaced them with a ***** under each of my fingernails.
The smiles are lost.
The words replaced them with with dark, malignant, expressions
The memories still hang on.
They are the salt in my wounds.


Power is what’s needed to get what you want, to argue, to fight.
Power is something I lack.
Everytime I fight, I lose.
Fear is allowed to take root.
Fear that I am tearing my family in half.
Fear that I am favoring either she or him.
I don’t know…


I don’t know…


“I don’t know…” is a weight I carry around daily.
It’s a steel ball-and-chain around my ankle.
I don’t know how to fight for what I want.
I don’t know how to be neutral.
I don’t know how to make things right.
I try as hard as I can, but I just simply can’t succeed.
I need both she and him to understand that I tear myself in two for both of them.
Everyday it hurts, but I do it anyway.


I do it to feel the warmth of love.
I do it to hear the sounds of peace.
I do it to smell the scent of serenity
I do it to see those I love smiling at my face.
I do it to ******* best memories as if for the first time.


I’m almost at the end of the tunnel.
For a moment, I am hopeful.
Then, right on the brink, the edge of permanent happiness and peace.
I get dragged right back to the start.
Dragged back in tears.


“It isn’t fair,” I thought.
I’ve been dragged back so many times.
I’ve hoped for the moon, and was given a rock.
All of these years of anxiety and hoping for peace between her, him, and I...
Well I’ve finally given up, and accepted it.


I’ll never pass through the light at the end of the tunnel.
But I used to hope...