Every waking hour and every living moment suspended in reality is the truest nightmare
for I am now awake and the dream is not over the ceiling is a flash of white the outside world a breathless scream there is no truth to it yet it comes back to haunt me in a house that is not my home
in the days and years with every sun and moon I have done everything faced the dark side burned every bridge there is no rhyme or reason a simple melody the littlest things to numb the pain and so it persists still gone but not forgotten twisted in its nature a personal purgatory of sorts a hand clenched ever so tightly around my throat or perhaps it is only a faceless demon crawling in my skin stalling my every move a devil on my shoulder and ironically so it feels right
for I am not the hero of this story never have been the life as I know it has never been kind in the desire to take what could never be mine an ordinary life an easy way out so instead I took lives for myself for money for prestige for infamy and I deserve every nightmare as there is no way out at all I cannot take it back or start all over it is too late I’ve come too far now
I say so to myself a chaotic mantra echoing within these empty walls so why am I trembling? I have no fear and I have no faith I have faced death but I will not go anywhere
how could I believe in the faintest sight of Heaven if life put me through ****? The merciful one cannot exist for my only companions are the demons from the past
and yet there is fight left in me I will not bury myself in the guilt and shame this bedstead is not my tombstone or my legacy I am still alive I will step out into the world and dip my toes in the sunshine I will not give up not ever not now.