i don’t know what i’m doing anymore
-who am i falling for?
is it her,
the one i loved, who i am so afraid to lose?

is it the one at lunch
-the unattainable girl who directs her words to me,
or is she just looking for a kind ear?

maybe it’s just me again,
looking for someone to make my heart race in the way i want.
maybe it’s just me again,
afraid to lose what we have?

i’m falling again,
i hope.
i’m always falling
-that’s the thing about me,
i’ve never not been in love.

i fall,
at first, with a whole heart.
with you, it was the whole heart.
and then i fall to fall.

and oh, dear i think we were good.
but i confess that i confessed something,
and never thought about it.
never realized that my pining would amount to something.

do i love you? would i love you months from now, years from now?
do you love me? or am i breaking your heart?

i wonder if we even had time,
to do this thing,
to wonder.

i wonder if i’ll ever sit with someone on a porch swing,
my old hands clutched in their trembling ones.
i wonder if i can love someone long enough

-without the fear.
the doubt.
the fear,
all over again.

always, i end up here
-me wondering why i move on.
or if i move on at all.