Sep 2018
Dear _,
You were the first person
Who made my heart so uneasy
That going hours without your voice,
Made me feel like I was being driven
To the edge of insanity.
When I spilled all I felt
On the ground around your feet,
You were the only person
Who picked up all my tangled thoughts
And kept it close to his heart
With a smile upon his lips.
From that moment on,
I engraved every word you spoke
Onto a little plaque inside my head;
I let the slightest warmth from every touch,
Seep past my skin and into the deepest parts of my bones;
And I read every gesture,
As something done out of love or admiration—
But I always knew that you were unsure.
That the clarity and euphoria
You brought into my each and everyday,
Wasn’t present in yours.
Even so, I held on desperately,
To every word, touch, and gesture.
I picked out each one
And like a tape stuck on replay, they repeated endlessly in my head,
And like an addiction, I couldn’t leave it behind.
Your name left my mouth,
Sometimes so habitually that I would be surprised
To find myself mentioning you
In the middle of a thought about the sky.
—And I still knew you were unsure.
So within this poem you will never read,
I wanted to say how deeply
Sorry I am.
How selfish I have been,
To take your smallest actions
And magnify them so that they would satisfy
My worries and insecurities.
I realized once the mania of my heart settled,
That I’ve been too caught up
Building a castle out of blocks
That might have never been real.
And you’re not to blame,
This time, I chose to hold on to this false hope.
So for the sake of my sanity,
And for the sake of your honest name,
I will step away with the mess I’ve made.
But to be totally honest,
It seems like a lie to tell myself today that
maybe, one day,
I can learn to let you go.
I like you.
Thank you,
__
You were the first person
Who made my heart so uneasy
That going hours without your voice,
Made me feel like I was being driven
To the edge of insanity.
When I spilled all I felt
On the ground around your feet,
You were the only person
Who picked up all my tangled thoughts
And kept it close to his heart
With a smile upon his lips.
From that moment on,
I engraved every word you spoke
Onto a little plaque inside my head;
I let the slightest warmth from every touch,
Seep past my skin and into the deepest parts of my bones;
And I read every gesture,
As something done out of love or admiration—
But I always knew that you were unsure.
That the clarity and euphoria
You brought into my each and everyday,
Wasn’t present in yours.
Even so, I held on desperately,
To every word, touch, and gesture.
I picked out each one
And like a tape stuck on replay, they repeated endlessly in my head,
And like an addiction, I couldn’t leave it behind.
Your name left my mouth,
Sometimes so habitually that I would be surprised
To find myself mentioning you
In the middle of a thought about the sky.
—And I still knew you were unsure.
So within this poem you will never read,
I wanted to say how deeply
Sorry I am.
How selfish I have been,
To take your smallest actions
And magnify them so that they would satisfy
My worries and insecurities.
I realized once the mania of my heart settled,
That I’ve been too caught up
Building a castle out of blocks
That might have never been real.
And you’re not to blame,
This time, I chose to hold on to this false hope.
So for the sake of my sanity,
And for the sake of your honest name,
I will step away with the mess I’ve made.
But to be totally honest,
It seems like a lie to tell myself today that
maybe, one day,
I can learn to let you go.
I like you.
Thank you,
__
to ____
