Friday, I went to church
The pastor gave his speech about loving your enemy
The flashbacks came back
I try so hard to suppress them and make them go away
But like weeds, they interrupt your beautiful garden at the worst of times
I see myself at the doorway
As she kissed the man I love
Rage fills me until my vision is a deep scarlet
Like blood
How I would love to see her covered in it
But I know this isn’t what God wants
“Forgiveness is the answer” says the tiny angel next to me
His pale face under his golden curls is so mesmerizingly beautiful it could melt me and make me do anything he wanted
Except this
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, “I can’t”
He looks at me. Filled with disappointment.
What would feel better?
The look of despair on her face when I destroy everything she’s ever cared about? Or
The look of happiness on his face when I tell the angel i will forgive
I feel guilt
Since
I chose the first option