"Why am I still here? "

Why am I still here,
living in constant fear,
Although its not happened again,
Nothing can ever be the same...

I dont want to live with such pain,
The exhaustion and fear is intense,
I'm in my "safe space" now...
yet today I felt "behind the fence"

I will have to leave soon,
this sanctuary cannot last forever,
I will have to return once again,
Back to the same torture

I know im not ready to leave,
my body has been telling me so,
Until now I have felt so relaxed,
But now, my body says "no"

It has trapped my mind
in a new state of panic
with the fear of leaving
Is this fear and panic

I cannot do anything with ease,
I cannot even walk down the road,
For so long this has been "normal"
Yet now my brain feels "overload"

Overloaded with panic from nowhere,
Just the fear of leaving I guess,
Back to the painful unknown,
Back where my life is a mess....

I still look at my photos
I dont know who I am,
I dont know what happened,
I dont know how I can...

The fear is unexpected,
I feel no longer human,
Only the kids I work with
help me to carry on....

The people here - they think im sick,
because of the "winter sun"
What am I supposed to tell them?
That its my brain - not the sun?

Maybe this is the end of me
the end of fear and pain,
I am not afraid of dying,
It is better than being insane.

My time is coming to an end here,
and my life most likely too;
For all that I have left is here...
Its only here....in Soweto....