My nose is stuffy My throat is sore Headaches & fever Loss of hearing in my right ear
But there's more than that.
My stomach begs for food when I do not feel hungry. I shiver and curl in on myself and say that it's alright. Lies spill from my mouth like a waterfall. This body is home to more darkness than this world has ever seen. I am unsure how to ask my doctor why this is happening. When asked before why my dress size went from an 18 to a 14 so quickly, I could not give an answer.
This is my last year of high school and I know what is safe to have. How much orange juice to have without going over 100. Where I can sit without my friends finding me. Who to give my food to that won't ask questions. Classes to miss because sometimes, it's too much. I know who keeps an extra jacket all year round. Which bathrooms are okay for shoving my fingers down my throat.
But I still don't know how to type a report on this illness and explain why I did not have any sources cited. How to tell a teacher that the quotes are from me and other people that I had gotten tips from. A group chat full of screaming teenagers who are all just dying to be thinner, to go down just one-two-seven more sizes. Instagram accounts full of inspirational pictures and advice for the caption, occasionally posting a check of themselves. Websites that have been deleted by now that I had spent hours looking at and writing rules from.
How am I supposed to tell a teacher that.... My report was so well written because I was my main source of information? I can't look at foods and drinks without seeing numbers? I can't look in a mirror without wanting to cry? I view food as poison to my body? I sleep in class so often because my body is lacking the nutrients it needs to keep going? I have been like those screaming teenagers for years and as much as I say that I'm better, I will always be like them?
How do I explain to my teacher I'm slowly killing myself and I can't stop it?
At least my report was turned in on time. That's all that matters to them.
I had to study eating disorders and mental health issues for school and it didn't go so well and I ended up writing this...