they'll tend to tell you bullies caused it or that everyone has the same experience and it starts because other people forced it to
but what i have to tell you is that i did it to myself i'm a turncoat to my own flesh
i would look in the mirror and see a gut and suddenly that was all i could see
no matter if my calves were toned or my arms were sticks i saw that gut or my curdled thighs and that was all
so i'd say i wasn't hungry or i'd "sleep" through a meal and i'd work extra hard at practice pretend i wasn't always run down
and even if i'd pass out or struggle to stay awake i'd pretend like it was sleep i was depriving myself of sleep
and you know that cycle in every anorexic girl's story where her body bloats before it thins because it's trying to protect her
i went harder in that stage so i could lose the weight that made me a 2 instead of 00 and i would cry myself to sleep because i was in pain mental and physical
but i couldn't stop the taunts i gave myself
my dad would tell my friends to make sure i would eat but i never listened
and now i look back and see my former shell-f a self that had no self a self that was only