I love this. I want this more often. I am sitting outside in a house that isn't even mine. It smells of saltwater and cigarettes. The cat is purring by my feet as I dance and sing along with Breezy. She is smoking. I am drinking. We are both free, doing what we love and what kills us the most. I remember how it all started. Ella, my boyfriend and I drove to the house, so excited, so happy and cheerful. Breezy had set everything up. And as we poured overly priced Malibu in plastic shot glasses we thanked each other for the memories made this year. We talked about how weird it had been meeting each other; drunk, exactly the same as we were in that moment. We took one, two, three drinks of the coconut flavored venom, as we kept going, pouring another glass of that gasoline in my already burning throat. Music was playing. And it was a mess. Indie music, pop, screamo and reggaeton. Trying to take pictures in which our stomachs looked flat, our ***** perky and our butts round. It was hard. But we were too excited to care. We wanted to fit in, to show everyone that yes, we have friends. I remember stepping on the wet floor right as I took off my uncomfortable heels, and left it where the girls had left theirs: thrown around on the floor. We unzipped each other's dresses and started playing silly games. Eating from a stolen box of chocolates as we whispered secrets around an ugly tablecloth. Make up wipes covered in black and sparkles filled the trashcan up, as we complained about the breakouts of our skin and complimented each other just because. We felt stupid. We felt young. We were having so much fun all alone. In the middle of that stupid teenage chaos, I felt loved. And that is how we fell asleep. Me, in the middle of the bed hugging Ella and holding Xavier's hand. Covers and blankets up to our noses, whilst Breezy lied down at the bottom of the bed singing as she scrolled down instagram. That is the last thing I remember before waking up. And I am thankful for having woken up. Because in 2017 I didn't think I would make it. And that morning I just wished I could live long with those people, the people I love.