I always told people, "I don't need no man. I am an independent woman, I'm never getting married."
I don't want a boyfriend because I just well, I don't need one.
It's funny. I may not need one, but sometimes, just sometimes, men, they'll sneak up on you, and the words "hello" suddenly sound so intriguing.
I am a ticking time bomb and maybe that's why I am so afraid of relationships and commitment and you.
And maybe that's why I again, don't want a boyfriend because I know it will never work because I'm going to **** some **** up and I'm going to ******* up and I'm going to make everything go wrong and I'll say something and your face will do the thing where your eyes stop shining and I just can't deal with that look of despair because it will strike me to my core.
But.
Right now.
I look at you.
And, you, you're. Something, draws me to you, and I can't put into words what it is about you but when I touch your skin, I feel it pulse through me and suddenly the winters cold is the hottest day of summer, like a California heat wave.
And when I look into your eyes I can't speak, I lose my train of thought I start to lose my words.
I have to focus because I can't think of anything but your dark, dark eyes.
And when we embrace I feel like I'm home. Everything stops for a moment. Nothing else in the world matters, I feel safe, in a world that stabs me repeatedly day after wretched day and throws me to the ground you rise me up and I don't know what to do because I'm falling in love with you so hard and so fast and I do this
I can't because I can't deal with this attachment because I'm not always around.
Meaning I can't give you my heart because I can barely give it to myself.
Meaning I cut my skin and I don't know how much of it I will have left one day.
Meaning I go in and out of hospitals and treatments centers and I don't want you to see me like that and every time someone asks "hey man, wheres your girl?" you have to make up some lie to protect me.
You're so supportive but sometimes there's only so much you can say.
You feel like home but sometimes I have to leave the house.
You're older than me and wiser, I sometimes wonder if you feel like you're in this because maybe you feel like you need to take care of me.
Maybe I like being taken care of.
But you always hold the door for me and the way you look at me it's like I am your world. And I want to tell you that we can't do this.
As if I won't destroy you and that's why I'm afraid.
I don't want to **** this up like I **** up everything else.
Because this time this feels right and every time anything feels right it always,
it always goes wrong.