[I wish I could start again.]

Like a rock climber attached to her entrusted harness
Coming up from the cliff, and if she was falling
Her friends will be waiting on each side
Eagerly for her feet to touch the floor



But I'm alone
Just another wanderer
Every morning I wake up falling behind
Looking for the stars to guide me
Strings to hold me upright
When I would rather have slumped
Everyday looking at my feet
These undone laces I always want perfect
But can't even bother tying anymore


WHY AM I LIKE THIS
I can't accept it


I. can't. accept. it.

I just wish I could start again
From Point Z to A
But I'm far beyond those 26 letters aren't I?

I already know what you think
Just yesterday I saw you
And when you looked back at me
You didn't say a word
With that you spoke everything

I spent the rest of that night, that year, listening
As words rang and echoed across this once peaceful dark room
Cutting through the silence like stab wounds
Filling it with demons twice the size of space they occupied
All equipped with knives as they proceed to carve deeper in
Down into the heart of the seamstress
Sewing and stitching at what has ripped and spilled
Trying to keep things neat and tidy outside
But could not replace what was lost in the end


Today my body tried to wake up
But my spirit never did
Under the cover and pillows I shuffled and searched
This time I couldn't find it no longer

As I instinctively, curiously followed it
I opened what's inside and looked towards the mess left behind
I saw that I made my own strings
The connections I have cut, the bad ones I have kept
Lines I have drawn and reshaped
Boundaries I should not have crossed
The strings I've hung onto all of my life, clinging to me now
As they slowly drag me, pulling me down
Us slowly inching away into the abyss below
And as I called for friends to catch me, to help reel me back up
I realized too late that no one else was there all along
Only the downward spiral of regret grief and sorrow
They all came back today
Just to visit me, haunt me
Taunting me through where I was stuck
This one, last
Never ending
Loop

Each string
Twisting and turning
Every fiber of my being
As I struggled
Panicking at first
Then slowly, more steadily
Wriggling helpless until everything gave up


I was alone
Eagerly waiting for my feet to touch the floor