i remember those times
of sitting in my bed
wondering when the fighting would ever stop
and trying to figure out what was just smashed
i would fill my pillows with water
and i would fill my papers with thoughts
wishing my family was calm
wishing my family was happy
i remember tearing up pages out of my journal
out of frustration
because i wrote about a fight i had with my mom
and i didn't want it to linger any longer

i remember the biggest fight
i screamed and i cried
i remember hearing my dads stomping getting louder and louder
further up the stairs
my brother screamed no
and he came rushing behind
my door slammed open
and quickly slammed shut
my brother still rushing up the stairs
as my brother heard my dads hand hit my face
he stormed in as well
and thats when it happened
thats when my brother hit my dad
thats when my dad hit my brother
again
and it was like a scene in a movie
although i saw it in parts
and heard the whole thing
my dad is strong
and my brother was too
but not quite as strong as our father
but anger does something
and as my dads back was pushed inside the wall
the house went silent

i remember packing my bags
and calling my friends
i was more than welcome to stay with them
i had my own room
i had my own space
my own mind
my own life
and i left
but i came back shortly
fear does something

i remember sitting by my moms coffin
thinking "what now"
thinking "why her"
i remember not knowing anyone who came
but smiling and greeting them as if id known them for years
all black clothes
that didn't fit quite right
but never wanted to take off
that meant my life without my mom beside me would begin
and i was too scared to start that part of my life

i remember school
going back after she died
teachers treated me like the damsel
the weird one
the scared one
"that one"
i was an orphan with a father
and i was suddenly popular at school
death does something

i remember crying
and wishing i was dead
wishing my body stopped functioning
wishing i didn't wake up in the morning
wishing i was murdered so i didn't have to do it myself
so that my father wouldn't curse at my dead body

i remember those times
and i don't ever want to forget them
because those memories made me who i am today
and i am happy
finally