You end up lying in your bed, making eye contact with the ceiling, random feelings running through your mind. You’re thinking that they can easily be part of a great poem – one that you’ve always wanted to write, one that will make you proud – probably the only REAL poem that you’ll be able to write in your life.
You start to get cold. You get up and fetch an extra blanket. And some thicker pajamas. You get all curled up in your attempt to fall asleep. You are still cold. Maybe you’re dying!?!
You take your phone and google sudden death symptoms Chest Pain. Breathlessness. Palpitations. Dizziness. Fainting. Nothing about being cold. Maybe you’re finally becoming an adult and you’re transforming into this cold blood grown-up that doesn’t give a **** about anything anyone has to say. Yeah! That must be it!
You turn and turn and turn and end up on your stomach, smothering an old pillow under your right arm and your inability to become someone under the other one. Sleep refuses to ******* you, even though you’ve clearly sent him signals across the table all night long. You even laughed at all his jokes, you touched his knee, you’ve certainly made yourself available to him! Nothing! You get blue dreams. Huge, round, wide awake dreams, Filled up with testosterone and ****.
It’s 3.34 AM. At this point, you’re in the bathroom, Eating up the latest Ikea catalogue. Tomorrow, you will wake up alone in your head, like a polaroid picture that gets stuck inside the big camera – you will wake up without falling asleep. Tomorrow is today.
You get in the shrink’s office without knocking. What’s wrong? he says. You don’t answer. He looks at the quiet version of you for an entire hour and comes up with a diagnostic for your problem. He even writes it down so you wouldn’t forget: Dream Paralysis - Powerlessness of imagining true life. Impossibility of living fake dreams every day. Am I right? You don’t answer.
He isn’t right. You aren’t alright.
You pay up and go. Poker would have been fairer for you at this point. ***** it!
You get back home. You’re tired of trying to fall asleep so you decide to climb. You’ll try to get on top of your dreams and sleep won’t try to ******* in any other position!
Tonight’s gonna be one of those nights... This is gonna be one of those poems.