i still cry every day.
but this time,
the pain hits me at one minute before midnight.
as thursday starts to bleed
into friday
i remember our days
and i get so so scared that they’re over.

midnight comes.
it’s tomorrow now, it’s the next day,
and i just want to cry until my heart
is hollow.
i want to get punched in the chest.
i want to
cry
cry
sob for hours until i can never ever cry again.
i want there to be an echo, so as to prove
that my heart is empty.

it’s not empty.

there’s so much love in there, babe.
i still love you so much that it hurts
to breathe.
what’s the point
in life without you?

i’m scared that you’ve stopped
loving me.
that all this effort i’m trying to put in
so that we can be together,
so i can love you
without pain,
is for naught.

i love you more than poetry,
more than myself.
i would tear myself to shreds and
i would never write another word
if it meant that i could have you again,
if you could take me again.

i want to stop crying.
but i don’t want to give up on us.
sometimes this is more than i could handle.
ian, my biggest fear was life without you
and now i understand the reason.

as much as i smile
everything inside of me is fractured into little fragments
my bluest oceans are murky
my skies are cloudy
my future is dim.
this smile is a coverup
a defense mechanism.

no, everything is not okay.
no, i am not doing better.
no, i have not and will not stop loving you.
no matter what they tell me.