Every day, like clockwork
I sit at my desk
with a pencil, paper, and calculator
and I strive to become a better version of
me

I wouldn't expect you to be like me
constantly thinking, working, and calculating
like a self-sufficient machine
that does not stop to breathe

But as every day turned to night
and I sat at my desk
restless,
unlike ever before
I didn't feel like you were there.

The sun would rise and I'm still grinding
This seat will be warm for fifty hours
before my day will fade to
black.

I'd invite you over for lunch
so that I could get a chance to talk to you
and let you know how much I love you
and that even in this life that I'm living
I will never forget about you

But every day, you'd go away
and run into the arms of
intoxication
and with every hit you took
the girl that I knew slowly faded away
like a watercolor painting in the rain.

And as time goes by
I realized that as I work like a robot
I'm still only human
I only have so much energy
and I can't keep doing this anymore

With every hour that goes by
I see that my brain is failing me
and what should be an easy task
has now been rendered impossible.
I'm losing my mind.

And all the while,
as I frantically try to learn with maximum efficiency,
Still in the back of my mind I think about you.
But they aren't happy thoughts anymore
I just think about what you were and what you are

How am I supposed to be
everything that they want me to be?
How could I be a machine
and a loving human simultaneously?
How could this be the way to happiness
when I'm dragging on rock bottom?

How could you sit there and watch me die
and come back in the morning to yell at me?
How could you go away and get high every day
and then come back and lie to me?
and how could I let it all happen?

Every single time I wake up
after a rare period of slumber
I think to myself
I can't wait to be unconscious again
when I cannot think or feel

If I want to be the best version of me
I have to cut the anchor
The anchor that has held me down,
the anchor that is
you