I’ve too long engaged in the detrimental habit of searching for a man to complete me. though not completely uprisen to consciousness, it seemed as though i had this illogical desire to have a man who could hold me, as if the contents of my being were too much for myself to handle, as if i were in need of my preferred *** to grasp my supple skin fragments in their hands in efforts of assuring that the parts of me that i could not support would not fall to the ground and shatter like crystallized water droplets
i am immersed in a sexuo-economic society that constantly perpetuates the myth that a woman is a product of a man, woman has what the man can give to her and is nothing without the nurture and tender care a man is able to provide for her. man is happiness for the woman, man is prosperity for the woman, man is a woman’s confidence, man is her beauty, man is her life, for woman has none for her own
it is now that i have realized after searching for so long for someone to “love” me, for someone to look into my eye and drop to their knees in pure adoration, it is now that i realize when man is gone, who am i? i am my own. i am no one’s possession.
the thought itself was liberating to know that my existence depends on no other being but my own so i said it over and over, i am my own, i am my own, ****** i am mine an nobody else’s
i began to yell at the sky telling it that it lied when it was raining that night and tried to convince me that i was miserable and trapped in a world that did not appreciate me, just because it was melancholy and gloomy itself
an epiphany in that moment ; he did not matter to me. it was his very touch, the softness to his lips, the scratch of the hair on his chin, the desperation in his voice, that ran through my veins like a narcotic
once he was gone, i was alone, i thought i was losing my identity but it was in that moment that i started to become who i really was
i realized how many other women go through the same things i do, ignorantly believing that their life is dependent upon a man
how horrible it is to live in a constant state of delusion, believing ***-attraction could provide happiness for myself eternally, as if happiness was not able to reached within me already but rather hidden in the palms of the opposite ***
but you couldn’t understand that
no one could understand
so i told you, goodbye