i loved you. i loved you as naive people love when they believe heart's aren't made of glass & aren't meant to break. i loved you like a child would love something new they discovered & possesed you as one would possess a toy. I guess that's what happens when a punk rock boy with steady hands & raven black hair steals an innocent 15 year old girls heart.

but heart's break they burn they catch fire & they mold into something new. but even three years later molded casings are meant to break & maybe that's how you managed to creep & lock yourself into my new heart & it's foreign to you & to me. but your hands aren't steady & your heart is as unstable as a bridge that hasn't been crossed in years & maybe its a chance to cross it not knowing what lies at the bottom, but you make me feel so willing to cross it.





I've loved you. loved you with more than my entire being & I've told you what kind of hell it was to believe that you didn't care, but you did & i know I gave up to easily but i needed love. I needed a physical love,a few blocks apart, not 100 miles apart. I was selfish & I've never seen anything more beautifully heartbreaking than you with tears in your eyes begging me to stay & i was caught between my heart or my body & I chose my selfish needs & my heart was broken for months & i missed you & needed you to fix it. & I could never paint or write or sing about the way your eyes looked the last time I was brave enough to look into them; & I don't believe anyone could ever replicate anything so forlornly blue.





you're heart isn't a toy. & love isn't a game. we're both going blind in this gamble. i want to be yours for the night & maybe more & you with your words that paint dreams make it as tempting as pandoras box & I'm almost as willing to open it all. we're both betting high, too high, & I don't want you falling into vices & I don't want to lose you. it's always been a fight for who would win out & I don't want to lose. i don't. you made a home in my heart & my heart has molded it's way around you in perfect unison & yes it missed a couple of beats but they we're beats screaming your name & yearning for your acceptance & yes it stops when I believe you see me for who I really am & who I could be. I don't want you too.

I couldn't go anywhere if i tried, darling.


July 5th 2016