am i insane that i want a label for this
thing living in my mind

i can't enjoy food
without making it a numbers game
carbs and calories, carbs and calories
not too much meat but keep protein up
fats are okay as long as it's not oil
and you know the exact caloric value
measure every bite
weigh everything
round up
add it up twice just in case
you were wrong the first time

i'm not even close to underweight

but i can't stand without getting faint


they tell me it's my bipolar acting up

but do you know how many times
someone has looked at me and said
"you're not my usual type,
i usually go for the really tiny ones"

god, i'm making it sound like it's worse
than it is, i'm teenage girl
trying to be dramatic, right?

but why can't i look at a photo of myself
without wanting to cry