Music
Plays over and over and over
In my head
And I reach for earphones
I never plugged in.

I'm shaking off flashbacks,
Like a dog shakes its' flank,
And I'm hoping no one sees me
Dancing 'round the fire in the woods.

I favor the Crucible
Over Gatsby,
But that's because I've always thought
F. Scott Fitzgerald's other works were so much better.

The sky is clear,
So is my mind.
I don't feel clouded,
I don't feel foggy.

I feel real and honestly me,
And I can't speak for anyone else
But I hope to God
I stay this way
For weeks.

I want to live
And I want to be
And look at me
I'm wanting things,
Like laughter and smiles and talks.

I want all the aspects of life
I never really got.

And the sunny clear sky
Makes me think of a certain Bluebird's eyes.

And I'm sure,
Absolutely positively
That anxiety building in my wrists
And the flashbacks I'm keeping at pay
Will fade away
Like the scent of blood
That triggered them.

Stop the flinching from the loud,
And ignore the memories of blood down my legs,
And guilt
So much guilt
So much loss.
Grieving someone that was never a someone,
That I didn't even know was there,
Until it was much, much too late.

Shaking my head,
To shake out the memories
To forget the loss,
And remember the gain.

Loss and pain is necessary
In order to live life knowing
That good can still exist
And how wonderful it feels.

I'm struggling to write this out,
But it needs to be said.

I've lost a lot.
I'm not losing you.

Here's to trying
And giving it all we've got,
All I've got.

I am going to be the best me possible,
If not for me then for you,
And for a future much brighter and warmer
Than a hospital room.