Jun 2016
I remember the first time I looked into your eyes
I felt everything inside you
suddenly felt everything inside me too.
Parts of me I wasn't aware existed started thawing out
I felt my bones start to shake.
I fell for you three years ago to this day.
And since then, I haven't been able to look back.
I remember the 56th time I looked into your eyes
I swore to God you were the one that made life worth living, constantly giving me something to smile about as the world seemed to crash around me in an unescapable pattern and I always fell into you.
I became comfortable with leaning on your shoulders though they too were weary but you never told me to stand up on my own
and I became afraid of being alone after the 154th time
I looked into your eyes and saw my future.
I remember the 876th time I looked into your eyes.
That day still haunts the perimeters of my mind
I felt my chest sink in that day
as you said the words "I'm not in love with you anymore"
after that every time I looked into your eyes I felt absolutely nothing.
I felt crashing, I felt sadness for a bit,
but nothing clicked like it did for years
and I felt the lump in my throat crawl into my brain
and I remember telling you I felt the same.
I wasn't in love with you anymore.
Prior to that, that thought never came up
I couldn't handle the pain of knowing I would have to move on
so I stopped looking into your eyes,
to spare myself the aching,
every time I felt a rush of blood pump to my heart
almost fast enough to make it stop,
and I wondered if it would ever start again.
The very last time I looked into your eyes
I felt a part of me die and I don't mean
it metaphorically,
I mean I felt my insides wither away so fast
they made me feel like I was losing air,
taking every bit of strength to put one foot
in front of the other just to bring myself out of there.
I said goodbye without looking at you for fear I might fall back
just like you let me for years.
I said goodbye without looking back and now I forget what
our last goodbye looked like,
but can't seem to forget how I felt at our first hello,
and I wonder if this is what hell is like.
Knowing that if you could, you'd do things right a second time,
but having that ability stripped away from you by a Greyhound bus
and a parking pass,
and always, constantly, looking back.
I felt everything inside you
suddenly felt everything inside me too.
Parts of me I wasn't aware existed started thawing out
I felt my bones start to shake.
I fell for you three years ago to this day.
And since then, I haven't been able to look back.
I remember the 56th time I looked into your eyes
I swore to God you were the one that made life worth living, constantly giving me something to smile about as the world seemed to crash around me in an unescapable pattern and I always fell into you.
I became comfortable with leaning on your shoulders though they too were weary but you never told me to stand up on my own
and I became afraid of being alone after the 154th time
I looked into your eyes and saw my future.
I remember the 876th time I looked into your eyes.
That day still haunts the perimeters of my mind
I felt my chest sink in that day
as you said the words "I'm not in love with you anymore"
after that every time I looked into your eyes I felt absolutely nothing.
I felt crashing, I felt sadness for a bit,
but nothing clicked like it did for years
and I felt the lump in my throat crawl into my brain
and I remember telling you I felt the same.
I wasn't in love with you anymore.
Prior to that, that thought never came up
I couldn't handle the pain of knowing I would have to move on
so I stopped looking into your eyes,
to spare myself the aching,
every time I felt a rush of blood pump to my heart
almost fast enough to make it stop,
and I wondered if it would ever start again.
The very last time I looked into your eyes
I felt a part of me die and I don't mean
it metaphorically,
I mean I felt my insides wither away so fast
they made me feel like I was losing air,
taking every bit of strength to put one foot
in front of the other just to bring myself out of there.
I said goodbye without looking at you for fear I might fall back
just like you let me for years.
I said goodbye without looking back and now I forget what
our last goodbye looked like,
but can't seem to forget how I felt at our first hello,
and I wonder if this is what hell is like.
Knowing that if you could, you'd do things right a second time,
but having that ability stripped away from you by a Greyhound bus
and a parking pass,
and always, constantly, looking back.
