I’ve been there.
That point in life when the sun is shining, but to you it might as well be pouring rain.
I’ve gotten to the point where I was holding that blade, ready to watch the water around me turn red.
Done.
Done with the self help books, the friends who mumbled, “it will get better”, with averted eyes, because they don’t know what to do with you anymore.
When the “don’t do this” protests from even your closest friends seemed forced, because honestly, they were done trying to stop you and were getting ready to deal with the hole you would leave when you left.
I’ve watched my friends mourn me while I was still breathing.
When they were planning what to say at my funeral- as I stood next to them, a shell of the person I used to be.
I could have gone through with it, that day with the blade and the bath tub. The water ran high, all I had to do was get in, and make two slashes, but something changed.
I was calm, I was ready, steady in my resolve, but then-
the turn of a lock, a giggle and a “hi” from my little brother.
I was so caught up in my planning, I lost track of time, and I was no longer home alone.
That’s all it took.
Like waking up from a long nap, feeling disorientated and unsure of what day it was.
When people say it’s the little things that save us, they aren’t kidding.
Wait for it. The universe wants you here.
It might not be a sibling, or even another human being, and I know waiting is hard;
but if you hold out, just a little longer- you will find your sign.
The fog will lift, maybe only temporarily, but it will be enough to allow you to fight for one more day.
If you're struggling I ask of you, only one thing.
Wait through one more sunrise, and then do it again.
Take time to notice the sunrise, let the suns rays come through your dark cloud, and notice that the dark clouds and the rain, are no match for the sun.