Apr 2016
Mark,
You are a cute *** *******.
Unlike any guy I've ever had the slightest bit of interest in, I don't freak the **** out when I see you or when I talk to you.
You're kind and gentle and goofy and I don't see anything wrong with you.
You would think that having a lot of problems of my own would make me feel the need to invalidate yours but in actuality, when something is wrong, I will do whatever I can to help you. Even if it means dealing with not talking to you for a while. Yes, it does make me sad and yes, I do hate it. But it's what I need to do.
I'll never feel safer in my entire life when I'm in your arms.
This is the most complicated situation that I've ever had to deal with. But I love it.
I don't care if my stepdad doesn't like you and doesn't want us o see each other.
I don't care if my mom hate me taking pictures with you. She doesn't understand what it's like.
No one does.
I don't care if we can't necessarily be out in public too much because of the situation.
I don't care if I'm being threatened or people hate me.
The people who really care about me are there to protect me. And they will debunk any rumors that anyone tries to spread.
No one is going to believe that I had *** with you.
I've never been that kind of girl.
Even when I had my little thing with Sean and he started to talk about it, I laughed and ignored it.
I've never been in a relationship before and I'm not about to get all caught up in my first one.
I'm better than that.
I don't look down on people who do.
It's just not in my personality and I have too much self respect to let myself fall into that.
Plus, you're already in enough trouble.
You're not dumb enough to purposefully get into more.
Anyways, as I was saying.
It's only going to be difficult for a little while.
But if we can survive through this, I don't see why our relationship would turn to **** anytime soon after I graduate.
I'm one of those kinds of people who loves to plan ahead and fantasize about my life after high school.
I can't take everything by the day.
I find it extremely hard to live in the moment because moments don't last forever.
And the faster they go by, the sooner I'm living my life how I want to live it.
The only time that my heart makes me live in the moment, is when I'm with you, because there are so few. And a lot of that is my fault. I should have been more careful. I should have deleted messages more often and made sure to get rid of any evidence.
I'm sorry. If I could go back and change what I messed up on, I would.
I want nothing more than to restart this whole entire year.
I ****** up so much and I can't blame anyone but myself for how ****** things are.
I guess I just have to deal with it.
But what ***** is that because of me and my irresponsibility, you have to suffer.
I'm so sorry.
Every night I go to sleep afraid that the next morning you're going to wake up and realize that you don't need me.
That's the thing I'm most afraid of.
It's happened so many times and I don't want to have to suffer through another heartbreak.
I can't not have you in my life.
Contrary to what everyone thinks, you're the best thing in my life.
All you did was love me and let me love you and that wasn't wrong.
You are a cute *** *******.
Unlike any guy I've ever had the slightest bit of interest in, I don't freak the **** out when I see you or when I talk to you.
You're kind and gentle and goofy and I don't see anything wrong with you.
You would think that having a lot of problems of my own would make me feel the need to invalidate yours but in actuality, when something is wrong, I will do whatever I can to help you. Even if it means dealing with not talking to you for a while. Yes, it does make me sad and yes, I do hate it. But it's what I need to do.
I'll never feel safer in my entire life when I'm in your arms.
This is the most complicated situation that I've ever had to deal with. But I love it.
I don't care if my stepdad doesn't like you and doesn't want us o see each other.
I don't care if my mom hate me taking pictures with you. She doesn't understand what it's like.
No one does.
I don't care if we can't necessarily be out in public too much because of the situation.
I don't care if I'm being threatened or people hate me.
The people who really care about me are there to protect me. And they will debunk any rumors that anyone tries to spread.
No one is going to believe that I had *** with you.
I've never been that kind of girl.
Even when I had my little thing with Sean and he started to talk about it, I laughed and ignored it.
I've never been in a relationship before and I'm not about to get all caught up in my first one.
I'm better than that.
I don't look down on people who do.
It's just not in my personality and I have too much self respect to let myself fall into that.
Plus, you're already in enough trouble.
You're not dumb enough to purposefully get into more.
Anyways, as I was saying.
It's only going to be difficult for a little while.
But if we can survive through this, I don't see why our relationship would turn to **** anytime soon after I graduate.
I'm one of those kinds of people who loves to plan ahead and fantasize about my life after high school.
I can't take everything by the day.
I find it extremely hard to live in the moment because moments don't last forever.
And the faster they go by, the sooner I'm living my life how I want to live it.
The only time that my heart makes me live in the moment, is when I'm with you, because there are so few. And a lot of that is my fault. I should have been more careful. I should have deleted messages more often and made sure to get rid of any evidence.
I'm sorry. If I could go back and change what I messed up on, I would.
I want nothing more than to restart this whole entire year.
I ****** up so much and I can't blame anyone but myself for how ****** things are.
I guess I just have to deal with it.
But what ***** is that because of me and my irresponsibility, you have to suffer.
I'm so sorry.
Every night I go to sleep afraid that the next morning you're going to wake up and realize that you don't need me.
That's the thing I'm most afraid of.
It's happened so many times and I don't want to have to suffer through another heartbreak.
I can't not have you in my life.
Contrary to what everyone thinks, you're the best thing in my life.
All you did was love me and let me love you and that wasn't wrong.
From a collection of things I find in my phone when I'm missing you.
