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Jan 2016
I can't write out what I really mean to say
All I can bring myself to do is cry and cry
Until I am breathless.

And I am ashamed of what I have done
I hold the most regret in my heart and feel the pain of my choice every single day

I wonder what you would look like
And what you would laugh like
And of what color your eyes and hair would be

And I just don't understand how I could ever be forgiven.

I wish so desperately I could go back and choose differently.
I become so angry now when I hear women and men talk about abortion
I want to scream and cry until I am drained.
I hold my stomach and wish I hadn't been so selfish

I wish I could hold you, every minute, every day
I wish I had you sleeping beside me with a sister you would have loved so dearly
And she would have loved you more than anything.
She would have protected you... Which is what I should have done.

It's been a year and a half. You would have been one soon.
Maybe walking by now.
I wonder if you still grew, with God up in heaven with all of the other millions of children who should have been here.
I wonder if you can see me and my tears.

You still consume my thoughts
As if you made your bed there and are forever sleeping..

I will never make peace with the decision I made.
This is not meant to be a poem. It is not meant to be "beautifully written". There is nothing beautiful about the regret that I carry. I went to church today and the priest talked of abortion. He said "People wonder where the scientists are who will find the cure for cancer.  Where are the brilliant individuals who will create the cure for AIDS?  And God looks upon us and says: I have sent them to you, but you erase them away".

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could go back.
PaperclipPoems
Written by
PaperclipPoems  Nor Cal / Arizona
(Nor Cal / Arizona)   
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