Words can't describe what I'm feeling now
I feel like I deserve pain
I want to slam my head into a wall
Hold my breath till I give in
Drown myself in the hotel pool

It's New Years Eve so why do I feel like breaking down and crying?

My family's all here so I shouldn't feel lonely
A new year is starting so I shouldn't feel like ****
I feel like I don't matter
       I'm a nobody
What would happen if I took my life tonight?
Would 2016 miss me at all?

I wonder and I wonder
About you
         About life
                  About death
About how much you mean to me
About what I mean to you
Do I really mean a whole lot?
**** **** ****
I need something to clear my head

I want things to change
Not between us
But I just want my feelings to change
I don't want to feel lonely
I don't want to feel depressed
I want to feel like I matter again
Not trapped inside a school of fish
I feel like a tear drop in a vast ocean
So if I go, what difference will it make?

Why the hell am I thinking this way?
My life isn't ending
And I'm not going to end it
I'm shaking from my thoughts right now
My mind is scaring me
Why do you have to be so ******* perfect?
I love you but I know it's not enough
Nothing will make you mine
She's yours and you're hers
And I can't say a word about it
Why the **** can't I just have you?
I'd be the best friend, husband, father, soulmate that anyone could give
I'd be the best for you
And there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind about that
I'd give you my heart, my soul, my being
I'd give you my all, my everything
If you could just be mine
But I know that that option is out the window
We've scrapped it, shredded it, thrown it in the fire
Made a deal from a TV show that I know will never happen
Just to give me the false security
The false belief that I have a chance
**** my life
        **** my feelings
                **** my mind
                        **** **** ****

My eyes feel dry but I want them to be leaking
I want my tears to stain the walls
        And the bed
                And the carpet
                        And everything around me
I want to drown in my tears
Flood the world with my emotions
No ark will be able to withstand this hurricane

This is the worst New Years I've ever experienced
But I have a resolution:
Be a better friend
Become closer to you
Stop the suffering
Stop suffering
Stop

Breath in...Breath out
Everything will be okay
Jack Kerouac has told me so
These feelings will come and go
And my happiness will grow and grow
And my demeanor will surely show
That I'm a warrior
I've made it through the dark
This black moment in my life
This hell
Soon there will be no more suffering
But for now
I
       Will
                   Suffer