I know you will never see this
but I am sorry.

I am sorry for leaving you
at a rough time

I am sorry for causing you pain
for leaving you with regret that you shouldn't even feel.

You shouldn't feel anything
for this is my fault.

I am sorry.

We born as a child
It's 'the world' that turn us into an adult

We're chasing our dreams
It's 'the world' that make us chasing their money

They have money
We have passion

They have control
We have freedom

Ressurect the child
That's the true human nature after all

Ressurect the child
Then we'll change the world

I'm afraid to fall in love because I know what it feels like to love someone so deeply that it takes over your body. it's this feeling of despair mixed with happiness and it's so confusing. it's craving the other person in every aspect of the word, physically, mentally, emotionally. it's insanity, losing your mind over them. the jealousy and the feeling of insecurity that you might not be enough. the swelling in your chest when they say they love you and you feel as if you're floating. I'm afraid to fall in love because what happens after that, the crash, is too much. it's a feeling of despair and sadness. it takes over your body and washes you out like a tidal wave. you crave the other person but you know they don't feel the same and your cravings only strengthen. it's insanity, losing your mind trying to figure out why you weren't enough. knowing that you were never enough. and the knot in your stomach when they tell you they don't love you anymore you feel as if your whole world has ended.

Her ribs crackled, in the skeleton night.
And I remember my mouth on hers,
where atomic fish hooks attached our lips.
Where there was nothing like kissing
like our God wasn't dead.

She was accused of killing a taxi driver
in the Brazilian underbelly.
Smoking a cigarette, she dropped it on the ground,
spat on it, and crushed it with her bare foot,
saying she fell in love with the way
his sleep-drenched body lay.

And I told her to stay home.
And I told her that they'd find her.
But she didn't stay home.
And they did find her.

Chasing her through the Babylon brush,
insults were thrown and so were balloons of gasoline.
Each pink, yellow, and green vessel floated in the air, as an internal opera heightened.
And sour splashes spread across her body,
as she fled from the vigilante mob.

The children danced along the panoramic horizon she ran beside,
laughing, pointing, singing.
The slumbering sorrow of the situation became evident,
and she started to feel the calm of fleeting life.

Her dreams aborted and her ideals became fallacies,
and with the sound of fuzzy motors in the background, her heart leapt and her feet slipped.

Rope ate into her, wrapping her like the orphaned recklessness of each set of eyes that painted her.
She squirmed amongst the cheers.
She cried with every thrown beer and balloon.
The empty-eyed males gang ***** her.
The women covered the children's eyes,
and the children tried to move their mothers' hands.

And I pushed my way through the crowd.
And I saw her smothered in blood, beer, and gasoline.
I wanted to halt the hurricane that destroyed morality.
But I am a coward.
Frozen by my fear, I, too, am a murderer.
And a murderer I'll always be,
for the burning of all that was good.

Sudden flames soared towards the sky.
Laughter escaped as molotov cocktails exploded onto her body.
Her head turned towards the crowd,
as flames scampered across her face.
I saw in her, what I never saw before,
which was the human race.

you feel the tightening of your chest and the knots in your stomach, the lump in your throat getting bigger. all of a sudden you're drowning, but everyone around you is breathing. the crushing sensation settles over your chest and your vision is blurred . your ears are buzzing, not picking up on what anyone is saying. you can no longer breathe, but the pain gets stronger. you know that any minute you'll be blinded by how much your chest hurts. but then suddenly you see the one who saves you, but there's a twist to it. a sharp blade replaces who was meant to save you, the ocean you're drowning in is replaced by your mind, and so as you drag the blade over your skin over and over and over and over again until the only thing you can see is thick red blood, you can breathe again. the sun shines and colors seem brighter. you look down at your blood stained clothes but at this point the wave of regret gets smaller and smaller with every drop. you're too far gone to be saved, but you somehow feel alive.

I once met this girl with dark brown hair and tanned skin. her smile was so bright it could blind you if you looked too close. when she laughed you could see the sparkle in her big brown eyes. despite her harsh and slightly mean personality, she radiated a welcoming feeling that so many of us need. she was fearless and never cared what others had to say. so long as she felt happy, she didn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. from time to time the sleeves of her jacket would slide up and countless lines of dried blood could be seen littering them, when anyone pointed it out she said it wasn't any of their business what she did to keep happy so everyone let it be for the most part. I once met this girl who's hair was dyed half blonde. her skin had paled considerably and the dark circles under her eyes couldn't be missed. her smile was so big that anyone could of been fooled by it, everyone was. when she laughed there was no sparkle in her eyes and her sense of humor had changed. alongside her slightly rough personality came a cold feeling of distance toward anyone who tried getting close, something most of us never wish to experience. she seemed fearless and tried her best to make sure people thought she was unique and that she really didn't care. from time to time the sleeves of her sweater would roll up and small, barely visible marks covered the surface of her wrists, very rarely could the dry blood be seen, but she didn't care if it was. when people pointed it out she simply shrugged. I once met this girl who had dyed dark red hair and pale skin. her smile looked forced upon her tired face. when she laughed it sounded like it physically hurt for her to force it out of her. her mean personality had disappeared and was instead replaced by complete indifference and this feeling of carelessness which a lot of us fear. she had completely given up on caring what others thought. from time to time the sleeves of her sweater would slide up and nothing could be seen covering her wrists, except the quickly fading scars. I once met this girl with dark black hair and pale skin. her smile was enough to fool anyone who didn't pay attention. her laugh became a faint shaking of her shoulders and a strange sound that resembled a real laugh. there was no sparkle in her eyes, which were baggy and dark at the bottom. she didn't notice what people said or thought about her because she was too busy trying to calm her racing thoughts. when her sleeves rolled up there was nothing to be seen. when she walked she faltered a few steps because her thighs were so so sore from the multiple deep cuts covering them. when asked about it she simply said she liked it and that it really didn't matter. I once met this girl who took so many pills her stomach didn't sit right for weeks, in hopes she wouldn't wake up in the morning. I once met this girl who told me that there was nothing she wanted to live for, that the people worth fighting for would be better off without her. I once met this girl with a haunted look in her eyes and demons in her head. In four years the girl with the bright smile and happy eyes became a haunting memory of a time that seems almost impossible now.